


Between the Clouds

by neon_lights21



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Car Accidents, Gen, I Made Myself Cry, Psychological Instability, Suicidal Thoughts, Sungjin centric, Time Loop, Time Travel, and they have a music shop, but they're also a band, other traumatic experiences, sounds like me, they're housemates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24019522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neon_lights21/pseuds/neon_lights21
Summary: Three, two, one.Begin.It was supposed to be a normal day. They were supposed to drive to another town, perform for a bunch of people and have lots of fun.No one was supposed to die.But they did. And it was Sungjin who had to fix it, no matter how many times he had to try, whatever the price.
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K/Everyone, Kim Wonpil/Everyone, Park Jaehyung | Jae/Everyone, Park Sungjin/Everyone, Yoon Dowoon/Everyone
Comments: 32
Kudos: 51





	1. We Were

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, fellow adventurer,  
> if you have made it thus far without seeing the **major character death** tag and you do not wish to ruin your morning, evening or night with such things, please hop out as soon as possible. If, on the other hand, you, like me, take pleasure in seeing yourself suffer, by all means proceed.

_Three, two, one._

Begin.

_December 26_ _th _ _2020_

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin startled awake as someone pounded on his door, proceeding to wake up their whole neighbourhood. He took a few moments to process what Jae was yelling as he ran through the hallway. Sungjin rolled over lazily and blinked, staring at the ceiling.

“Oh my god, it’s already 7 o’clock! We’re definitely going to be late!”

As Jae’s words finally sank in, Sungjin sat up with a gasp and fell out of bed as his blanket tangled around his legs.

“Shit,” he muttered. His vision went dark for a second before he steadied himself with a hand on the wall.

A horribly cold wall.

“Who turned down the heating again?” He whisper-yelled.

Sungjin shuddered as he opened the curtains, letting whatever little light there was to come in. Through clumsily fast movements, he managed to pull out a decent outfit from his closet and put it on hurriedly before a chill wrapped itself around his body.

He grabbed his guitar and the bag he had prepared the night before on his way out of his room. Dowoon always made fun of his huge bags, but Sungjin was happy with being the only one who had _everything_ while they travelled.

He ran down the stairs with his guitar in one hand and his bag precariously hanging off his shoulder. But then he crashed into Younghyun in his frenzy and sent them both tumbling to the ground.

Sungjin scrambled to his feet in a panic, shoving Younghyun away. “Get off my guitar! Oh god, is it broken?”

“I’m not even _on_ your guitar,” Younghyun said.

“Good, good,” Sungjin muttered as he inspected his guitar for any damage. “Sorry,” he said with a sheepish grin.

Younghyun rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sorry for almost-”

Everyone in the room shuddered as Wonpil walked towards Jae as weightlessly as an evil spirit floating through a haunted house. 

“Oh no, don’t be scared,” he whispered.

Jae looked _very_ scared.

Sungjin and Younghyun exchanged a glance, ready to pounce on Wonpil to save Jae from his wrath. Or maybe not, as Wonpil had already cornered Jae against the wall, shoved his phone into his face.

“Look at this,” he said through his teeth. “Read it. What time does it say?”

Jae glanced at Sungjin with pleading eyes, but he shrugged and answered with a look that said ‘ _I can’t help you man.’_

Taking a deep breath, Jae looked at the phone that was so close to his face it made his eyes go crossed.

“It says 6:08 a.m.”

“And what does the clock in the hallway say?”

“7:08 a.m.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because,” Jae cleared his throat nervously. “Because I set it forward.”

“And why did you do that?”

“Because otherwise you wouldn’t wake up!”

“Are you sure?” Wonpil practically growled at Jae.

“Guys come on, help me! You can’t do a gig without me. I sing. I play the guitar. And most importantly, I attract customers for the shop.”

“I know, but you currently deserve whatever he’s planning to do to you,” Sungjin said, pointing at Wonpil with his chin before making his way to the kitchen where Dowoon was already eating breakfast, unbothered by all the commotion coming from the living room.

“Good morning,” Sungjin said as he looked through the fridge for something to eat.

Dowoon gave Jae and Wonpil a wary look as they entered the kitchen. “Morning.” 

Once they were all settled around the table and no one wanted to murder anyone anymore, Sungjin took out his phone and went through their schedule for the week.

“So,” he started, “we need to get to the hotel by 10. Then we have that jazz coffee shop performance in the evening for two days. Then we have the restaurant on the 28th and 29th. Then we have a free day and the New Year's Eve performance at the club on the 31st.”

“We need to pass by the shop though,” Younghyun said with a full mouth. “I forgot to pick up my amp last week.”

“Alright, we’ll pick it up on our way. There’s no need to rush, though. We have plenty of time, don’t we Jae?”

He shrugged. “I was accounting for post Christmas day traffic.”

After breakfast, once they were all ready, they stuffed their instruments in the back of the van, ready to start their trip. 

As Sungjin drove through the empty streets, the sun appeared through the horizon, painting the grey clouds pink and orange. The houses and naked trees passed by in a blur. Even though the sky was bleak, everything was covered in a thin layer of frost that slowly melted away as the sun's warm rays caught up to it, giving the trees and the grass a livelier colour.

Sungjin tapped his fingers on the steering wheel while he waited for Younghyun in front of their shop. It was a business they had started after he, Younghyun and Jae had graduated from university, in order to have something to fall back on in case the band they had formed along with Wonpil and Dowoon didn’t work out. Even though it stung to admit, it was true. They never made it big enough to exclusively live off music. But it was okay, they had each other and Dowoon and Wonpil had joined them in managing the shop. Besides, they enjoyed doing local gigs here and there. This one was the most important thing they had done in years, in a whole other town.

“It’s so cold outside,” Younghyun said, closing the door while he blew on his hands to keep them warm.

He turned on the radio as everyone basked in the cosy atmosphere of the van. Sungjin smiled to himself while he drove slowly, stopping only once to let a deer cross the road (and of course Dowoon took a picture of it). 

After a while, a few raindrops appeared on the windshield. He sighed and activated the wipers. For a fraction of a second, he looked through the rearview mirror.

Everyone seemed to be in their own world.

Then something caught his eyes.

The car behind them was skidding on the road and coming towards them way too fast.

Sungjin’s hands moved before his brain caught up to what he was doing.

He swerved to the left and slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of them. Someone gasped from behind him and suddenly a loud crash echoed in his ears and he was thrown forwards.

For a second, Sungjin floated weightlessly in the air.

Then, he heard it before he felt it. Another crash, and his world was turned upside down. Everything tilted at a dizzying rate. Shards of glass ripped into the flesh of his face and chest and back. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep still as his body bounced around like a rag doll. Then it stopped as suddenly as it had started. The sudden silence amplified the ringing in his ears. He tried to open his eyes, but his vision kept going in and out of darkness and they were so heavy. He just wanted to close them and go back to sleep as he did back in high school.

Wait, what time was it?

He tried to shift into a more comfortable position, away from that thing that was digging into his side.

But pain flared in all of his body when he moved. There was something very, very wrong, yet he couldn't pinpoint what it was. 

He blinked to clear his vision, trying to understand just where he was, but everything was red. He reached a trembling hand to his face. It was warm and wet but he really couldn’t feel anything else. 

He exhaled, feeling his warm breath on his shoulders. He tried to turn to his other side and ask Younghyun what the hell was going on, but he froze when another jab of pain flared through his chest. 

He felt tears gathering in his eyes.

“Younghyun, Younghyun.”

He coughed. It left a disgusting metallic taste in his mouth and he had to fight the urge to throw up.

“D-Dowoon?” No one answered. “Jae? Jae?” No one answered. “Wonpil…” No one answered.

He let out a shaky breath like a deflating balloon, suddenly too tired to even open his eyes. 

Cold asphalt dug into his head. 

Loud sirens drummed in his ears and there were suddenly hands all over him. Someone was talking, but he couldn’t make out the words.

His eyes felt heavy. Maybe if he just went to sleep the pain would be gone by the time he woke up.

It wasn’t. 

He woke up to an annoyingly loud beeping sound and a starched mouth. He tried to lift his hand to reach for the bottle he always kept on his nightstand, but all of his limbs were heavy. As soon as a sigh escaped his mouth, someone gasped next to him. Come to think of it, the room didn’t actually look like his room.

“Sungjin.” Was that his mom? “Sungjin, can you hear me?”

 _‘Of course I can hear you, what kind of question is that?’_ He wanted to say, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was a painful dry cough. Before he knew it, a straw was placed against his lips and he was urged to drink. The water was disgustingly warm and it did little to quench his thirst, but soon it was replaced by more fresh water.

“What- Where are we?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

“At the hospital, honey,” his mother said tenderly, stroking his head with twitching hands.

“Oh?” He was forgetting something. “But why? What happened- ah!” A sharp pain shot through his chest as he tried to sit up, and he was suddenly aware of every single needle and cast and bandage sticking in and out of his body.

“Don’t try to move just yet, alright?” She put a hand on his shoulder. “I'm going to get the doctor to check on you.”

What the hell had even happened? He knew, he just knew that something had gone horribly wrong for him to end up in the hospital like that. It was like a word stuck at the tip of his tongue that he just couldn’t get out.

The door creaked to his left and he tried to turn his head to see who it was, but he was stopped by a neck brace. A doctor entered the room and picked up a clipboard from the bottom of his bed.

“Hello, I’m doctor Lee.” He offered a gentle smile that Sungjin didn’t return. “How are you feeling?”

Sungjin’s eyes travelled to his right leg, which was immobilized in a cast, then to his left arm, also immobilized in a cast, then to the bandages on his right hand, chest and every exposed surface of his body.

“I don’t know. I’ve been better,” he said. “My chest hurts.”

Dr Lee nodded. “We’ll give you something for that. Now, I’m going to ask you a few questions to evaluate the state of your concussion.”

Well, that would explain the headache. Even though he had just woken up, he felt exhausted.

“What’s your full name?”

“Park Sungjin.”

He felt dizzy.

“Date of birth?”

He felt nauseous.

“January 16th, 1993.”

His ears felt tapped.

“Where were you born?”

He wanted to sleep.

“Where? Oh, somewhere around here...”

Something was wrong.

“Where are we right now?”

His vision swayed.

“In- I don't know...”

Stupid questions. Why wouldn’t they tell him what the hell had happened already?

“Where do you live?”

“What is your mother’s name?”

“Who is the president?”

And Sungjin tried to answer all of his questions, even though he was growing more and more anxious every second. As if on instinct, his mother took his hand into hers and stroked it gently. He let his eyes focus on her chipped nail polish instead of the doctor scribbling notes and the nurse quietly checking his vitals.

“Do you remember what happened?” 

Sungjin felt his stomach drop. “I don’t.” He took his hand out of his mother’s.

He didn’t like the way his mother and Dr Lee exchanged a look.

“Well,” she started, “you were in a car accident on your way to your performances.”

An unpleasant feeling crept down his chest as he swallowed the acidic bile that had somehow made its way up his throat.

“Wait- No- When was that?” A vague memory of cold and sirens flashed through his mind, but he still couldn’t remember anything for the love of himself. “Where are the others? Are they okay?”

“It was two days ago,” she said. “Sleep now, you need to rest.”

Two days? Had he been out for two whole days?

Were the others just as bad as him?

Or worse?

He reached for his mother’s arm despite the pain it sent into every fibre of his muscles. She flinched slightly when Sungjin grabbed her wrist in a weak hold.

“No,” he choked. “I need to see them. I really need to see them.”

“Later, honey.” She peeled his fingers off her wrist and settled his arm on the white sheets. “You need to rest. They gave you something to help you sleep.”

Truth be told, he was starting to feel even drowsier than before and he didn’t have any energy left in him to protest. Besides, if his mother said he could see them later, then he would. 

When had she ever lied to him before?

The next day his sister and his dad were also there. They seemed to be ecstatic to see him, but even in his drugged up state, Sungjin could see the tension behind their smiles. He was so tired that he almost forgot to ask his mom to go see them.

She said later. She said he still needed to rest.

He was still too weak to protest.

No one was telling him anything.

He didn’t remember much from the next day other than pure agony and the cries of his parents.

The rest of the week passed by in a haze of pain and painkillers that weren't strong enough for the ache in his chest.

Every day, he woke up in pain.

Every day, he asked about them.

Every day, they told him he could see them later, he just had to wait a little longer, rest a little more.

Before he knew it, sixteen days had passed.

“I want to see them.” His voice broke. “Why won’t you let me see them? Please, I swear I feel better! I could even walk if you give me crutches!”

His parents exchanged a look, and they sat down on each side of the bed, taking his hands in a warm hold. It made the ache in his chest worse and it wasn’t because of his broken ribs this time. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes when he saw his mother’s heartbroken expression.

“Sungjin,” she said, stroking away a strand of hair from his forehead. “The accident was quite serious and you were all badly hurt. Wonpil and Jae got the worst of it. They didn't make it to the hospital.”

Sungjin couldn't feel his own heartbeat anymore. All sounds faded into a single point in front of him that he couldn't take his eyes off.

 _They didn't make it to the hospital_ was just a euphemism for _they died a horrible death_.

How could she have hidden it from him for _sixteen_ days?

How could she have lied to him?

“Sungjin!” His mother said urgently.

He could tell from her tone and the tense hand on his shoulder that she had been calling his name for a while now. He tore his gaze from the nothingness and turned to face her.

“What about them? What about-” He closed his eyes. “What about Dowoon and Younghyun?”

“Dowoon,” she gulped and looked at him with a frown. “He was in the hospital until a week ago, but… his injuries were too serious for him to survive.”

Sungjin's mouth hung open as he stared at his parents with resentment. This time, he didn't try to stop his face from crumbling and his tears from falling.

“So he was here.” Sungjin rubbed furiously at his face. “He was here. And you didn't let me see him. I didn't say goodbye to him... What was the last thing I told him? What was the last thing I told any of them? I can't- I can't remember…” More tears dripped down his face at the realization. “But I could've talked to Dowoon and you didn't let me. You didn’t let me and now it’s your fault I didn’t get to see him one last time!”

He grabbed his hair and let out an ugly sob, flinching when his father tried to comfort him.

“Sungjin…” His mother sounded like she was about to cry.

She didn’t have the right to cry about this.

“Don't touch me,” he choked out. “Where's Younghyun? Is he- Is he _dead_ too?”

His mom let out a tired sigh. “No. No, he's here.”

“Really?” Sungjin whispered and sat up. “Really? Where is he? I have to go see him right now. What if- I have to see him before- before-”

“We'll take you to him, don't worry,” his mom said, pushing out a few strands of hair from his forehead. “You just have to calm down first. Take a deep breath.” 

“I'm-” A gasp.

“I am-” More fresh tears.

“I am calm,” he finally managed to say.

His mother smiled at him and handed him a tissue. He took it with trembling hands and wiped his face.

A nurse brought in a wheelchair and helped him settle in with his heavy casts and endless bandages. His mother pushed the wheelchair through the white corridors filled with doctors and patients until they arrived at a private room. She knocked twice and a few seconds later, Younghyun's parents opened the door.

“Can we come in?” she asked.

“Of course, but Younghyun is sleeping.”

“Oh it's okay,” Sungjin said quickly, afraid that they might take him away and not let him see Younghyun again. “I won't wake him up. I just want to see him.”

When he was next to Younghyun's bed, his chest tightened at the sight of his bruised and battered face, with a few cuts here and there, and the heavy cast around his right leg. He was sandwiched in bandages just like Sungjin himself. But as his eyes ran up and down Younghyun's body, he noticed something out of place.

Younghyun's right arm was wrapped in bandages from his shoulder down to his elbow and then below that, there was nothing.

No hand, just half an arm. Half an arm that he had lost because of the accident. The accident that had happened while Sungjin was driving.

How would he ever-?

How would he ever play the bass ever again?

How would he play sports again?

How would he ever haul things around their shop again?

How would he live his life like before again?

Nausea burned his throat as he doubled over and vomited all over himself. There was a gasp behind him, and his mother’s hands were on his back. 

“I’m sorry,” Sungjin whispered, breaths coming out in short gasps. “I’m sorry. I should have been more careful.”

He kept his eyes closed and then somehow he found himself in his room again, with the ugly yellow vases that Wonpil would have hated.

He didn’t see Younghyun again for two months.

_July 2_ _nd _ _2021_

Cemeteries were hideous places.

Despite being adorned by flowers, fountains and evergreen trees, a heavy feeling hung in the air, pushed down by bright and warm sunlight. Just a year before, Sungjin would have been basking in it.

Right now, though, it was suffocating.

The lump in his throat grew bigger and bigger as he approached three graves lined up next to each other. Slowly, he lowered himself to the ground, wincing at the disgusting warmth of the grass under his legs, before he placed a flower on each of the graves.

“It’s been like six months, you know,” he said with an impossibly quiet voice, ripping out a few strands of grass. “I haven’t been doing much. I guess today is kind of special. It’s the first time my parents finally let me go out on my own. Everyone is treating me like I’m fragile and broken.” He let out a hollow laugh. “I guess I literally am. I don't even remember how many bones I broke in the accident. You’d think this would only fuck _me_ up but my dad… he barely even talks to my mom anymore. He’s just... _there_ all day, saying nothing and staring into space. I think I might have fucked up my own family too along with yours.”

A bird chirped from somewhere far away. The sky was bluer than what Sungjin remembered.

“Has Younghyun come to see you?”

A child laughed behind him.

“I don’t see him much these days. I think it's better that way because, like Dowoon always says, misery loves company, I guess. And his hand… I still can't-” He ran a hand over his face. “He’s staying at his parents’ house. And the shop…” He sighed. “The shop has been closed ever since- ever since the accident. I don’t know if we’ll ever open it again, though. And I’m sure you’d smack me in the head for giving up on it if you were here.”

A bitter laugh escaped his mouth, and then his voice went quiet. “But you’re not. So… there’s that. I don’t know what we’re going to do with the house either. I only went there once to get some things I needed. Your parents have already got some of your stuff, but Younghyun wouldn’t let them empty it.” 

He rested his arms on his knees and started to shred the grass he had mercilessly ripped out earlier. “I don't know what I'm going to do with my life after I'm done with physical therapy. I never really realized how you were such an important part of my life. I mean, I thought we'd grow old together, so I never considered the possibility of a life without you. My sister has suggested moving to another town to start over but… I don't know.”

He gulped and gazed at the flowers he had brought with him. A bee buzzed around the one he had bought for Wonpil. “Actually, I went out for your birthday.”

He let a smile creep onto his face as he looked at Wonpil's headstone, unconsciously avoiding the numbers etched onto it. “I went shopping with my sister and I saw a really ugly sweater that you would've _loved_. You would've definitely bought it for yourself if no one else did. My sister was another story though. She kept insisting on making me try on all these flashy or just plain ugly clothes that I would never wear, but it was fun. I even played crutch football with a random kid in the street.”

_“What do you think of this shirt?” his sister asked as she held a grey t-shirt with avocado prints in front of him._

_“I don’t know… It’s not really my style. Dad would love it though. We should buy it for his birthday.”_

_Her smile faltered for a second, but she replaced it so fast that Sungjin thought he must have imagined it._

_“Yeah… Yeah, we should.” She picked up a fluorescent pink pair of pants. “What about these?”_

“I've been thinking of getting a new guitar. I tried fixing mine and yours too for a whole month, but they were way too damaged, so I think I'll be getting a new one.”

He stayed there for a few more minutes, closing his eyes and immersing himself in the sound of water flowing in the fountain accompanied by the chirps of several birds hidden between the branches above him.

When he stood up and dusted himself off, he looked around again. The colours seemed brighter and the sunlight wasn't as annoying as it was before.

Maybe cemeteries weren't that ugly after all.

_December 23_ _rd _ _2021_

Sungjin had been sitting at the same spot for hours, staring at a seemingly random point under a leafless tree.

It was insignificant to all the people who had rushed past him to shelter themselves from the drizzle that was turning into snow.

To Sungjin, though, it was a special place. At least, it had been a special place until a year before. That little spot under the evergreen trees, allowing just enough sunlight in the summer and sheltering them from harsh winds during the winter, was where he had spent countless afternoons with Jae, Younghyun, Wonpil and Dowoon, talking, laughing, singing, eating. For years, it had been their own little hideout in plain view.

The memories that he once viewed through rose-tinted glasses were now hazy, a bit worn out around the edges like an old photograph.

Sungjin looked up at the sky, face stinging from the snowflakes melting onto it. The sensation was the same as when Dowoon had hit him with a snowball square in the face, but it was different at the same time. Back then, there was no Dowoon shaped hole in his heart.

_Sungjin wiped the snow from his face with his sleeve, leaving a gross wet trail on his face. “You little shit!” He shouted, grabbing Dowoon by his hood as he tried to run away._

_The blowing wind sent a flurry of icy snowflakes into Sungjin's eyes, which gave Dowoon the time he needed to get away._

_As Sungjin held up an arm to shield his eyes, he gauged the distance between Dowoon and himself. A mischievous smile crept onto his almost numb face before he leapt on Dowoon, sending them both crashing to the ground. A scream rang through his ears._

_“Oh my gosh, get off me I can't feel my hands!”_

_Sungjin rolled onto his back, effectively getting away from Dowoon's freezing hands grabbing at his neck. But then a rustling sound from above made him look up._

_“Oh no, watch out-” He barely managed to finish his sentence as a pile of snow freefell on an unsuspecting Jae who was busy watching the fight between Sungjin and Dowoon go down._

_There was a beat of silence as they all glanced at each other. All sounds faded to the background._

_Then, as if someone had hit the play button on a video, Jae wiggled his body to shake off the snow._

_Sungjin burst into a deep belly laugh and dropped to his knees. His stomach hurt from the force of his laughter._

_“You look like a dog!” Younghyun managed to say between his barely suppressed giggles._

_Wonpil, on the other hand, had completely given up on everything, rolling on the ground side to side with his hiccup laugh the moment Jae had fallen on his butt in his effort to clean himself up._

_“My tears are freezing, help me!” Dowoon pleaded._

_Sungjin looked at him in confusion. “What-” and he abandoned himself to the moment, letting the wind carry his laughter far away through the years…_

… until he was standing right where Jae had been standing. He looked up and squinted at the tree. There was not enough snow to weigh down the branches this time.

Sungjin exhaled slowly and blinked twice to clear his vision from the steam of his breath. He had no idea how long he'd been standing there, but it was enough time for most people to have retreated to their warm houses and for a thin layer of snow to settle on his coat. Sungjin gave a final look to the tree before he turned around and started walking under the orange glow of the street lights. The sound of his shoes crunching the snow was only interrupted by the occasional car passing by.

He kept walking and walking through the empty streets, not paying attention to where his feet were taking him until he found himself in front of their house.

From the outside, it didn't look like a house no one had lived in for almost a year.

Sungjin rummaged through his pockets until his fingers touched something cold. With trembling steps, he walked to the front door and glanced at the keys he always kept with himself. He liked to think it was because the keychain had been a gift from Wonpil and he would never forgive himself if he ever lost it.

Once he was in front of the door, his hands automatically pushed in the key and grabbed the knob, pushing it just right to open the door because it _always_ got stuck in winter. Jae had been meaning to fix it, but he always forgot.

As soon as he stepped inside, his nose was tickled by the dust and he sneezed three times before shutting the door behind him. 

The living room was only illuminated by the light reflected on the snow outside the window. Sungjin flicked on the switch, but the light didn't come on. Of course their electricity had been cut off, what was he even expecting?

He sighed and stepped towards the TV stand and blindly rummaged through the drawer, searching for the torch they always kept there for emergencies.

His hands finally grabbed something round and he ran his hands on its surface to find the switch.

When he turned it on, he was greeted by particles of dust floating in the air. He moved the torch around, inspecting the living room.

It looked… normal. 

Except for the thick layer of dust that got crunched under his feet, everything looked normal.

Sungjin walked towards the stairs that always creaked under his steps, tracing his hands over the banister. The house was quiet and every little sound made him feel like he was violating a sacred balance like he shouldn't have been there in the first place.

He stopped in the middle of the hallway and glanced at the closed doors. Casting his eyes down, he walked towards his bedroom with heavy steps and opened the door. He stayed dead still in the doorway. The torch illuminated each part of his bedroom, one by one. His pyjamas were still on his chair, which was facing the window on the opposite side of the room, right above his bed. The covers were wrinkled in unlikely places as if the person who had made the bed had done so in a hurry.

Something twisted in Sungjin’s chest and he slammed the door shut, a shiver running down his spine as the sound echoed through the house. 

Even though it was now empty, no one could erase all traces of life from there, no matter how hard they tried. They had lived there, shared memories there and it would forever be visible to him. If he looked hard enough in each corner, he could still see them and hear their voices. It had been their warm and cosy home. And now it was _cold_. It was even colder than outside.

He staggered towards the kitchen, halting abruptly when he came face to face with a wall where their calendar was still hanging on. 

Swallowing down his nausea, he lifted a trembling hand, just barely touching it with his fingertips, afraid to somehow break it. He traced his hands over their scribbled handwritings, over the x’s they had drawn over the days to quell their excitement as they approached December 26th.

If only they had known…

Tears pooled in his eyes and his stomach dropped as he tore himself away from the wall. He stumbled backwards, letting the torch slip out of his hands, and he ran out of the house.

It had been almost a year since they died.

And he missed them. He missed them so much. The things he would give to spend just one more day with all of them, together and happy. Just one more day, back to those times.

Stepping through piles of snow and slush that had been trampled by people several times that day, he saw the world sway in front of him, vision filling with black spots.

“I just want them back.” 

He grabbed onto a wall as his legs gave out under him. The snowflakes flurried on his face with more ardour. And he was so dizzy. 

With a fogged-up brain, he stumbled aimlessly through the streets, until his whole world was filled with pain.

Pain.

Pain.

And darkness. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to watch videos of cute puppies and babies to cleanse my soul after writing this...  
> I've had the idea for this story since December, but I only started writing it about a month ago, and it's actually all done! For the first time ever! So you can expect an update every week at variable hours!!  
> I apologize in advance for any hurt feels


	2. We Would Be pt. 1

Sungjin woke up with a start. With a trembling hand, he pulled his blanket off and shivered as cold air hit his body. A quick glance around the room told him that he was still in his old bedroom. He sighed and buried his head in his hands.

Had he really fallen asleep in there last night? He was pretty sure he had left the house and there was-

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin stiffened as someone pounded on his door, proceeding to wake up the whole neighborhood.

It almost sounded like…

_No stop it._

But it sounded so real…

_You’re still dreaming._

“Oh my god it’s already 7 o’clock! We’re definitely going to be late!”

_One, two, three, four._

He counted his breaths to calm his pounding heart. He just had to get out of there, go to his parents’ house and then everything would be fine. But as he stood up, he felt his vision go dark for a second before he steadied himself by leaning on the wall.

A horribly cold wall.

He growled in frustration. His legs were still unsteady as he pushed himself off the wall. On his way to the door, he tripped over something. He looked down, ready to grab whatever it was and throw it out of the window. He faltered when his eyes caught the huge bag he had brought with himself _that_ day.

Why his own mind would play such cruel tricks on him was beyond him. How had the fucking bag even got there? It had been ripped to shreds during the accident. But then again his memories of that day only came to him through random images and nightmares. Maybe it was another bag. Yeah, it was definitely another bag. He just hadn’t seen it the night before because it had been so dark.

With newfound determination, Sungjin threw the door open, not batting an eye when it hit the wall and shook the whole house. He started walking down the stairs.

His heart jumped when he heard footsteps and some voices.

Intruders?

_Stop it. Think._

He shook his head, looking down at his feet. It must have come from outside. But when he lifted his head, he was met with a sight that made him miss a step and tumble down the stairs. He didn’t land on the hard parquet floor like he expected. Instead, there was another person half above him and half underneath him.

“Younghyun?” His breath hitched as he pushed Younghyun away from him, making him skid across the floor and hit a shelf.

“Sungjin, what the fuck?” Younghyun groaned, rubbing his shoulder.

“What are you-” He was shaking. “What are you doing here?”

But he didn't wait for an answer as he heard footsteps behind him and he whipped his head around.

It was Wonpil, walking towards a terrified Jae, who was standing there, in flesh and blood, looking very much alive.

Sungjin choked on his breath and slid back, only stopping when he hit the wall.

“No, no, no, no, nononono,” he whispered to himself, putting his hands over his ears.

This wasn’t right. This was plain cruel. His mind had no right to be playing these kinds of tricks on him.

“Dude, are you ok?”

_Don’t listen to him. Don’t listen to him. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s just your imagination._

Sungjin blindly scrambled to his feet and stumbled to the living room with a hand on his chest, trying to calm down his racing heart, only to be stopped by a hand -Wonpil's hand- on his shoulder. The touch seemed to burn the fabric of his shirt and bleed onto his skin. He pulled himself away with a yelp.

He tried to breathe in, but it felt like an iron fist was taking out all the air that he so desperately was gulping in. His hands found a wall and he slid down against it. He curled into himself and buried his head in the crook of his arms. 

This wasn’t real. He had gone crazy. He had finally cracked under the weight of his grief after a year.

Those voices talking urgently around him? They were only a product of his imagination.

_But wasn't this what you wanted?_

Not like this. No, not like this.

“Sungjin!”

He hadn't heard that voice from this close for so long. He lifted his head and his eyes met Dowoon's worried gaze. He was _there_. It wasn't just a blurry picture taken in the middle of the night or a shitty old video. It was Dowoon, warm and alive.

Despair and hope filled Sungjin up at once, growing and overflowing as tears finally waterfalled down his face and he let out an ugly sob.

Dowoon kneeled beside him and wrapped an arm around him. “It's ok, we're here.”

And they really were.

“What happened?” Younghyun asked him when his sobs were reduced to the occasional sniffle.

Sungjin felt blood drain from his face. “I uhm…” He wiped a stray tear with a trembling hand. “I had a nightmare. Or maybe I'm having a nightmare. I wouldn't know.” He let out a laugh that ringed hollow even in his own ears.

He watched as gears turned in Younghyun's mind.

“Yeah, ok, let's go sit somewhere more comfortable, alright?” He finally said, offering Sungjin a hand with a smile.

Sungjin's eyes travelled from Younghyun's face to his hands as he inspected them with wide eyes. They were both fine. No ugly scar or prosthetic limb. He took Younghyun's hands in his, pushing himself up to take a better look at them. Both of them were intact, healthy and warm. He squeezed them hard, not seeing Younghyun flinch from the pain, trying to figure out whether they were real.

He felt tears sting his eyes again. “So maybe… maybe… this isn't…”

“Come on.”

He let himself be guided to the couch by Younghyun, followed by Dowoon and Wonpil. Then he stopped in his tracks. 

“Wait, wait.” His stomach dropped. “Where's Jae? Where is he?” He turned around, eyes looking for Jae frantically.

“He's in the kitchen. Sit, you look like you're about to pass out.”

He sat down on the couch and a few moments later, a glass of water was shoved into his face by Jae.

“Thanks.” 

He accepted it with trembling hands, so much that he spilled some of the water on himself before Jae took the glass away from him and placed it on the table.

Sungjin leaned back and closed his eyes. No one said anything as a tense silence stretched over for minutes.

“What day is it?” Sungjin asked, eyes still closed, afraid that no one would answer him this time, that everything would dissolve into dust if he peeked out of the darkness.

“December 26th,” Jae answered.

Sungjin sucked in a shaky breath. “What-” He cleared his throat. “What year is it?”

“2020.”

“That’s great,” Sungjin said, opening his eyes.

He looked at them, each of their faces. They were all together and he was with them, yes, but he felt like he was watching them from behind an invisible wall. 

Maybe he was dreaming again.

So what if he was dreaming? He could just enjoy himself.

Be with them.

The beeping sound of the microwave startled Sungjin out of his thoughts. He sighed, running a hand over his face.

“I'm sorry about this.” Everyone turned to look at him. He lowered his gaze. “I'm-” His breath got caught in his throat. “I'm fine. I'm sorry. I'll just go get dressed.”

He stood up, and everyone stood up with him at the same time.

“Are you sure? Do you want to go to the doctor's?” Wonpil askes

“No, no, it's fine.” He could only imagine how disastrous that would turn out. “It was- it was just a nightmare.”

“Alright.” Wonpil nodded, frowning at him. “You're shaking.”

Sungjin looked down at his trembling hands. “Oh,” he whispered. “It's cold.”

“It is,” Wonpil said. “But seriously, we can wait for a while if you're not feeling well.”

Sungjin felt tears well up in his eyes again. Would he never stop crying?

“No, I don't want us to be late. I can just rest in…” His voice faded out. “The car…”

Wait that meant that-

“Fine, but I'm driving.”

_Sungjin swerved to the left and slammed on the brakes._

“Oh no no no, you can't-”

He stumbled and grabbed onto Wonpil's shoulders.

_A loud crash and he was floating in the air._

“You can't- We can't-”

A sharp intake of breath.

Hands all over him.

He squeezed his eyes shut.

_There was blood. Something was digging into his side. It was so cold._

“I can't-”

He let out a whimper as he sank to his knees, grabbing a handful of hair with his fists and pulling as hard as he could. Someone gripped his wrists and uncurled each of his fingers from his hair until he was a trembling ball of sobs and unintelligible whispers.

_Close your eyes._

He closed his eyes.

_Cover your ears._

He covered his ears.

_Shush, don’t say anything._

He didn’t say anything.

Not when they asked him what he needed. Not when they asked him if he wanted to have lunch with them (how long had he been lying there like that?).

_Now think._

Logically, he knew he was either dreaming or hallucinating.

Or, still logically, the past year he thought he had lived in had been a nightmare.

If it was dreaming, he would wake up eventually, no matter what he did.

If he was hallucinating… well, he would find out eventually. Or someone else would.

But if _this_ was real and _that_ was the nightmare, then nothing would happen… he would be fine… 

_But this was what you wanted…_

“It doesn’t matter,” he whispered to himself.

He didn’t have anything to lose anyway.

Apart from his sanity.

The couch squeaked as Sungjin pushed himself up and winced at the pounding in his head. The sound immediately attracted Dowoon’s attention, who was scrolling through his phone with a leg on the coffee table.

“Hey,” Sungjin said, trying to sound nonchalant but his voice was hoarse from crying.

In a few seconds, Dowoon was next to him and Younghyun appeared out of nowhere.

“Are you feeling better?” Dowoon asked with a worried look in his eyes.

“Yes, yes. We should get going,” he said. “What time is it?”

“It’s one o’clock, but don’t worry,” Younghyun added when Sungjin sat upright and stared at him with wide eyes. “Wonpil already called the owner of the coffee shop and he managed to convince him to put today’s performance off for a few hours. Well, he was going to cancel everything because apparently, we’re not worth his money, but he was just being a cheap asshole.” Younghyun groaned dramatically, throwing his hands in the air. “Ah, I hate him so much.”

Sungjin let out an exasperated sigh. “I’m sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to this.”

“It’s not important right now.” Younghyun said. “Your health is more important. And you don’t have to do anything you don’t feel like doing. We could call off the gigs until you feel better.”

“No, no, I want to do it. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

“And,” Dowoon said, “if there’s anything bothering you, you can talk to us. All of us. Don’t make yourself go through things alone.”  
Sungjin smiled to stop his face from crumbling again. “I know. Thank you.”

“Good,” Dowoon returned his smile. “I’m ordering food. Are you hungry?”

He had missed this so much.

***

Once they were done eating (food had not tasted this good for a long while), they all filed into the van, with Wonpil taking the driver's seat.

“We need to stop by the shop though,” Younghyun said as he buckled his seatbelt. “I forgot to pick up my amp last week.”

Sungjin straightened. He lifted his head from the window as an eerie feeling of deja vu settled in his stomach, making blood drain from his face.

_Sirens in the distance._

_Cold asphalt pressing against his cheek._

_Crimson red in his vision._

He shook his head, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against the damp window again. He couldn't back out of it now.

The trip to the shop was uneventful. A rush of wind made Sungjin shiver when Younghyun opened the door to get out of the van. He hated the cold.

Something inside him was making him feel more and more agitated as they drove out of town. He instinctively opened his eyes when they stopped, and was met with an overcast sky.

He lowered his gaze to the road. There were two cars, so wrecked that they were wrapped around each other with pieces of them scattered across the field on the left.

“Holy shit that looks nasty.”

_Skid, brake, crash._

There was a third car sandwiched between the other two, but only Sungjin could see it.

_Crash, shatter, break, whistle._

The police officer standing in front of the yellow tape signalled them to move.

Sungjin watched the cars get smaller and smaller as Wonpil drove away until they became indistinguishable black dots.

He gulped, balling his hands into a fist until his fingers turned white. It had just been a dream. They were fine. There had been no car accident. No one was hurt.

Then why were his hands covered in blood?

He blinked. The blood disappeared and was replaced by sweat. He rubbed his palms on his trousers, yet it did little to dry them. He fished out a bottle of water out of his bag, but as he tried to open the cap, it slipped out of his hands several times.

“Need a little bit of help with that?” Jae asked, making him jump a little.

Sungjin handed him the bottle without a word, and Jae opened it easily before tossing it back to him.

“Thanks,” Sungjin mumbled.

“You're welcome,” Jae said lazily, diverting his attention back to whatever game he was playing on his phone.

Sungjin eyed him for a few seconds before letting out a sigh of relief. At least Jae was perceptive enough to understand to not ask him if he was alright in that moment because his chest was still constricted and his heart was pounding and he just wanted to be left alone before he started crying. But they had a performance and he had to sing and play in front of so many people whose judging eyes would be on him all night, waiting for him to make a mistake and freeze on stage before turning their heads and deciding that they weren’t worth listening to because of forgotten lyrics and wrong chords.

Speaking of which…

What the fuck were they supposed to play anyway?

A cold sweat ran in rivulets down his spine, making him shiver and curl into himself as he pressed a hand to his chest. He could feel his heartbeat beneath his palm.

He gulped and cleared his throat. “Jae?” He asked, turning to the right. His voice sounded terrible even to himself.

Jae hummed before turning his head and looking at him with worried eyes. “Yeah?”

Sungjin stared at him. He looked so healthy. Jae waved a hand in front of his face.

“What is it?”

“Yeah, right, sorry.” He clasped his hands together. “Do you have the setlist?”

_One, two, three, four, breathe._

“What?” Jae frowned, looking a bit lost for a moment. “The setlist?”

He shifted his body and drummed his fingers on his thigh. “Yes, the setlist.”

_One, two, three, four, breathe._

“Yeah, but don’t you already have it on your phone?” Jae asked, still holding his headphone in the air.

“Yes. No. I don’t know. Can’t you just send it to me?”

_One, two, three- One, two, three, four, breathe._

“Yeah, yeah, wait a second.”

Sungjin scrolled through the list of songs, looking up the lyrics and humming along to the chords as he played them in the air with his eyes closed. Before he knew it, Wonpil had already stopped in front of _Bingo’s Jazz Café_ and he was only a little over half way through the setlist. His hands started to shake again.

He almost dropped his guitar while taking it out of the van.

“Oh, so you’re finally here,” a vaguely familiar voice said as Sungjin put down a speaker.

He looked up. A scruffy middle-aged man stood in the coffee shop’s entrance, with his hands on his hips and a dirty apron covering his striped shirt.

“Of course, Mr. Seo.” Wonpil flashed him his fakest smile. “We apologize for causing you such an inconvenience. We’ll be sure to put up our best performance tonight to make up for it.”

“Good.” The man huffed, quirking his greasy eyebrows, before shouting for a waiter to come help them.

“Guys,” Sungjin said, voice trembling, when they were all in the back of the van, picking up the last pieces of equipment left. “I think we might have a problem.”

“Why?” Younghyun asked, eyes wide with worry. “Do you feel like you’re going to have another attack?”

“What? No, none of that,” Sungjin said with a wave of hand. “It’s just that…” He felt his cheeks heating up. “I don’t think I remember all of the songs on the setlist. And I don’t want to give a lousy performance because then yours would also be ruined so I… I don’t know what to do.”

After a few seconds of silence, Jae spoke up.

“Just wing it man,” he said. “I mean, it’s not like people are going to know that you changed the lyrics or played the wrong notes on our self-composed songs. Or even on the other songs. They’re just here to have a good time and as long as there’s music, no one’s going to complain.”

“Yeah, and we can just sing your parts together. Don’t worry,” Wonpil said, flashing Sungjin a grin and patting his shoulder. “Now let’s go. Our dear Mr. Seo might as well be killing us with that glare.”

They walked towards the stage quickly, avoiding Mr. Seo’s pointed looks as they set up their speakers and instruments. Younghyun almost tripped over a wire, which sent Dowoon in an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,” Jae said into the microphone, looking around the tables. “We are The Five Chasers and we are going to make sure you are grooving to our music by the end of the night, even though our music is not jazz, but a very special year end bonus. Enjoy the show!”

“Groove?” Younghyun whispered as Jae turned around to pick up his guitar. “Seriously who even speaks like that anymore?”

“It’s part of my charm,” Jae said with a wink.

Sungjin rolled his eyes as Younghyun made a disgusted face at Jae. But as soon as they started playing the first song, Sungjin was sucked into another world, where only the five of them existed along with the notes and lyrics floating in the air like a gentle summer breeze. He sang with his eyes closed, like there was no audience other than himself, and he opened them only when they finished the song and a round of applause started from the table in the far left corner of the coffee shop. Adrenaline coursed through his body, making his heart pound for the thousandth time that day, this time with exhilaration instead of anxiety.

He grinned at Jae, who had the same ecstatic look on his face. This was going to be great. The dread that had wrapped itself around every fiber of his being already felt like a dim light in the distance.

They performed the next song, and got another round of applause. The lyrics came to him more naturally than ever.

Then another song, and more cheering.

By the fourth song, the crowd was trying to sing along even though no one knew the lyrics.

“And that was all for tonight! Thank you!” Sungjin said at the end of their performance, grinning ear to ear. “We hope you enjoyed the show as much as we did.” The crowd cheered. “We’re looking forward to seeing you tomorrow as well!”

Dowoon stretched as he stood up from behind his drum kit. “That was- uh,” he groaned as he popped a joint. “That was amazing. This is the best thing I’ve done in my whole life. We need to come back here even though the mana-”

Jae clasped an arm around Dowoon’s neck. “Yes! And the atmosphere was amazing!” He almost shouted, looking at Mr. Seo who had appeared behind Dowoon.

The coffee shop was starting to empty little by little.

“That was a really good performance, boys,” he said before shoving two huge plastic bags into Sungjin’s hands. “Dinner for all of you.”

And with that, he disappeared behind the counter just as suddenly as he had appeared.

“Okay, maybe he’s not that much of an asshole.”

“Oh my god, did he really give us free food?”

Twenty minutes later, when almost all the customers had left and they were almost done packing their equipment, Mr Seo appeared again, this time with five envelopes in his hands.

“Here’s your pay for tonight,” he said, handing them the envelopes. “I hope we can collaborate again in the future,” he added with a fake smile.

“Of course,” Wonpil said with an equally fake smile. “Well then, we’d better head off. It’s pretty late.”

***

Their hotel had a red neon sign, the likes of which Sungjin had never seen before. And he was glad, because it gave him a headache whenever he looked at it for more than two seconds. The whole place smelled strongly of wood and old furniture, like the room he shared with Wonpil.

“Ahhhh I'm exhausted,” he said, dropping on one of the beds. “This is really soft. I wasn't expecting much from this hotel.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Wonpil mumbled, focused on unpacking his suitcase.

There was a knock at their door and Wonpil looked at him expextantly. He shrugged.

“You’re closer to the door.”

“Fine.” Wonpil rolled his eyes as he walked over to the door.

“Come to our room,” he heard Younghyun say. “We have all the food.”

They spent the rest of the night eating, drinking and trying to stifle their laughs, scared of being kicked out because of noise complaints.

By the time Sungjin crawled in his bed, the car accident seemed like a dream he struggled to remember the details of. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next day, there were even more people at their gig. Sungjin grinned as he looked at the crowd. It had been a long time since they had performed for so many people.

This time, having actually revised their songs, he played and sang confidently.

It was their third song and despite it being a pretty chill song, everyone was already hyped. Sungjin squinted through the bubble like light bulbs hanging low from the ceiling. They gave the coffee shop filled with the aroma of coffee and food a cosy atmosphere. He couldn’t be any happier.

Jae strummed the first chord and then Dowoon had to come in with the beat.

Except he didn’t.

Instead, there was a loud rumble behind Sungjin. Then a collective gasp and everyone started screaming. He turned around so fast that he still managed to see Dowoon disappear under that shitty excuse of a stage with wide eyes and his fingers still holding onto his drum sticks. 

He leapt forwards. “Dowoon!” He screamed, extending a hand to catch Dowoon, only to grab at thin air.

“Fuck! Sungiin, get away from there!”

A hand grabbed his shoulders but Sungjin pushed forwards, pointing at the stage with a trembling arm. 

“He’s bleeding out can’t you fucking see?" He waved his arms up and down. “There a… what’s… whatever that is… sticking… out of his head.” He stumbled backwards. “Oh god.”

Sungjin felt himself being pulled back by someone as the rest of the stage collapsed. He caught himself on his forearms and retched, ejecting whatever he had eaten earlier on the greasy floor.

Someone placed a hand on his back as he breathed shakily.

Too much noise.

There was too much noise. Someone was screaming. Someone was crying. Someone was shouting.

And Sungjin was watching it all unfold in front of his eyes. If he concentrated hard enough, he could see himself crouched next to his disgusting pile of vomit, watching the firefighters usher everyone out before they started moving the beams and pieces of broken wood from the hole where the stage once stood.

Three people in orange uniforms lifted Dowoon’s limp body onto a gurney and shoved an oxygen mask onto his bloody face. Sungjin watched as blood gushed out of the wound in his head, staining the white sheets and the white bandage the paramedic was pressing to his head, while another paramedic did compressions on him.

“That must hurt,” he murmured, tilting his head in curiosity.

By the fog in his mind had cleared away, they were already at the hospital, sitting in uncomfortable plastic chairs in the waiting room. Sungjin bit his lips and looked down at his hands before shifting his gaze to the others. They were sitting there with varying degrees of misery visible on their faces, sometimes in the form of tears, sometimes in the form of a subtle frown.

A doctor came through the door. Wonpil, Younghyun and Jae immediately jumped to their feet, looking at her with questioning and hopeful eyes. Sungjin didn’t move a finger. He had already been through this once. He closed his eyes and remembered the look his mother had given him in his dream, nightmare -whatever- when she had to tell him that _they_ were dead.

“Let’s sit down, shall we?” the doctor said, guiding them back to their seats. “I’m doctor Nam. I was the one operating on your friend Dowoon. Unfortunately, he has died. His injuries were too severe for us to save him.” She looked at all of them directly in the eyes. “I’m really sorry for your loss. If you need anything, and I mean anything, please don’t hesitate to ask us. We’re here for you.”

Every word she said stabbed Sungjin through the chest with a dagger, leaving him with invisible scars that only he was able to see. Even though he had been through this before, it hadn’t become any easier. And he didn’t _want_ it to become easier. But the silence was suffocating him and he just wanted to run and scream and ask everyone what was wrong because he couldn’t tell if it was real or a nightmare anymore.

“Was he in pain?” Wonpil asked, sniffling and drying his tears.

“Of course he was in pain,” he snapped. “Didn’t you see him?”

“Sungjin!” Jae said with an incredulous look on his face.

He really hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

Doctor Nam cleared her throat. “He was likely knocked unconscious in the moment of the incident.” She stood up. “I have to go now. Again, if you need anything, even to just talk to someone, you can come find me.”

Her footsteps echoed through the empty hallway as she left them alone. Sungjin looked up at the neon lights flickering on the ceiling.

“Who’s going to tell his parents?” he asked.

In the end, Sungjin volunteered to call Dowoon’s parents as he was the only one not actively crying or shaking for some reason.

He almost dropped his phone when Dowoon’s mother let out a blood curdling scream.

***

They were all wearing black suits. 

Sungjin had managed to hold back his tears until the funeral. He wasn’t sure how, but the lid he had put on the pot of his boiling emotions still hadn’t popped off. He’d worry about it when the pressure was too much to hold it in place.

Something trickled down his heart when he stepped into the funeral home, but he ignored it. He’d worry about it when once it became too much to ignore.

Wonpil and Younghyun looked like shit. There was no other way to put it, with their gaunt cheeks and dark bags under those red eyes. They weren’t crying. Not anymore. Sungjin supposed they had long run out of tears to cry.

Jae, on the other hand, had teary eyes. It was the only way Sungjin could tell he was still alive because he wouldn’t talk or move unless absolutely necessary. Sungjin hadn’t heard his voice in days. He wasn’t even sure he still had one.

He had to look away when he saw Dowoon’s parents sitting next to the casket that contained the body of the child they had raised with so much love. The same child who had been taken away from them so abruptly and cruelly. 

When Sungjin looked at the casket covered by white flowers again, his face contorted. There was a framed picture of Dowoon smiling brightly at the camera, with a black ribbon wrapped around its corner. Just two weeks before, Dowoon had been nagging at Sungjin for leaving the milk out of the fridge. He had been there. Until he wasn’t. Well, he still was, but he wasn’t.

For a moment, everyone around Sungjin disappeared. It was only him and Dowoon’s picture. Maybe if he thought hard enough he could remember when it was taken, but he didn’t want to. Not when there were two more pictures beside it, with Wonpil and Jae’s beaming faces staring into eternity.

Sungjin’s heart skipped a beat as he looked to his right. There were two more caskets, and two more families mourning for their dead children. But it wasn’t right. Jae and Wonpil weren’t dead. That was supposed to be the nightmare. Dowoon was dead. That was supposed to be the harsh reality.

Blood drained from his face. He felt like throwing up. His heart started beating faster and harder. Sungjin squeezed his eyes and shook his head to clear his vision.

Suddenly, the world came alive again like a gust of wind whooshing through his ears. His legs gave out under him, but he was caught by two pairs of arms -Jae and Younghyun, he noted- and steadied on his feet.

“What’s wrong?” Younghyun asked.

Sungjin gulped. Everything was spinning. “I think I need to sit down,” he whispered.

They complied, guiding him to an empty room with a few chairs and tables scattered here and there. He sat down with a heavy sigh, resting his sweaty, trembling hands on his thighs.

“Do you want some water?” Younghyun asked in a tired tone.

Sungjin shook his head. “Where’s Wonpil?” His whole body was shaking.

Younghyun ran a hand down his face. “He’s still with Dowoon’s parents.”

_One, two, three, four, breathe._

“No, but-” His voice cracked. “Where is he? I need to see him.” He couldn’t breathe. “How do you know he’s not dead like Dowoon?”

Something invisible cracked in the air as Jae closed his eyes and leaned his shoulder against the wall, pressing his forehead to the window.

Younghyun dropped his head and sighed. “Sungjin…”

“But really…” His eyes were starting to sting. “I really need to see him,” he whispered.

“Alright, alright. Fine. I’ll go get him,” Younghyun said, standing up and leaving the room with quick steps.

Sungjin only allowed himself to cry for the first time when he was wrapped in a warm embrace by Wonpil, holding onto his arm like a lifeline as he sobbed his heart out.

  
  


Eleven days later, they were called to the police station.

“As you know,” the police officer said, “we’ve been investigating the incident in the coffee shop to understand what exactly happened. Originally, our most likely hypothesis was a simple, yet very unfortunate, accident. However, yesterday we received new information that has changed the course of the investigation. One of the waiters working at the coffee shop admitted that she had informed the manager about the unsafe condition of the stage, but he had refused to acknowledge it. Right now, he’s denying the allegations, but the rest of the staff have admitted to other acts of negligence and abuse done by Mr. Seo, so this case will have to go to court. We need to collect your statements and you’ll need to testify in court as well, but don’t worry. Your lawyer will walk through it step by step.”

While they walked home, as Jae had insisted, it started snowing, but it looked nowhere as beautiful as it was supposed to.

“Does this mean that this,” Wonpil gestured vaguely in front of him, “could’ve been prevented if the manager wasn’t such a piece of shit?”

Silence.

“I was the one who insisted on playing there,” Wonpil continued. “I was the one who convinced the manager to give us the gig. Maybe if I hadn’t-”

“Wonpil, stop it,” Younghyun snapped. “Blaming yourself won’t solve anyone’s problems,” he said in a much gentler tone. “I think, right now, we just need to be strong enough to give that guy what he deserves. For Dowoon’s sake.”

 _And for our sake_.

_February 3_ _rd _ _2021_

The day of the hearing had finally arrived and Sungjin was nowhere near ready to relive that day and lay it out in front of total strangers. But he had to do it, if it meant that that bastard would be punished. He had to do it to make sure that he didn’t get away with a measly fine and no other consequences in his life.

“When they call you to testify, remember to not get defensive,” their lawyer said. “They will ask you uncomfortable and misleading questions. Just tell the truth. Don’t be afraid of them, though. If they’re too out of line, I will handle them.”

But nothing could prepare Sungjin for the moment he was called to the witness stand to swear to tell the truth, and only the truth, with a dry mouth and a cold layer of glistening sweat on his face.

“Mr. Park,” Mr. Seo’s lawyer started, “how many nights were you supposed to perform at Mr. Seo’s coffee shop?”

Sungjin fidgeted in his seat and adjusted his shirt. “Two nights.”

“It has come to my attention that you had to reschedule the first performance. Is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“And why was that?”

Blood roared in his ringing ears as he remembered the events of that day.

_He swerved and slammed on the brakes._

_I just want them back._

_Let’s go sit somewhere more comfortable._

“Mr. Park?” The lawyer questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Sungjin took a deep, painful breath. “Yes. Sorry.” He clenched his hands around his knees. “We had to reschedule because I was feeling ill that morning and I wasn’t able to travel in that condition.”

“How did you proceed to notify Mr. Seo about this possible delay?”

“Kim Wonpil called him.”

“Yes, and from what I have gathered, he told Mr. Seo that you had an emergency involving your musical instruments, is that right?”

Sungjin shifted uncomfortably in his seat. His sweaty hands got stuck to the leather. “I don’t- I don’t know. I didn’t hear their conversation.”

“Why do you think he lied to Mr. Seo, Mr. Park?”

Sungjin flinched.

Their lawyer stood up. “Objection, irrelevant question.”

“Sustained,” the judge said.

“I apologize. Now Mr. Park, let’s focus on the night of the incident. What happened on the night of December 27th?”

“The stage collapsed underneath us and our fr- Yoon Dowoon was trapped under the rubble,” he said. “He died in the hospital shortly after.”

“Did you happen to notice anything wrong with the stage while performing?”

“No.” Sungjin shook his head. “No, I didn’t.”

“And it might have been because of the illness you mentioned earlier, right?”

Sungjin’s vision blurred for a second. He stopped breathing, waiting for the rush of blood in his ears to die down so he could hear his own voice. Strangely, he hadn't thought of that possibility.

“Objection! Leading the witness.”

“Sustained.”

The lawyer plastered a fake smile on his face. “No further questions.”

Sungjin stumbled back to his seat next to Wonpil.

“You did a good job,” he smiled at Sungjin and patted his knee.

_It might have been because of the illness you mentioned earlier..._

He blocked out everything, even his own thoughts. He definitely didn’t hear Jae struggle to get words out while answering the questions. He definitely didn’t hear Wonpil tearing up as he recounted the events of December 27th, 2020. He also definitely didn’t hear Younghyun’s choked up voice, or the waiter’s testimony to the long and unpaid overtime, the unpaid taxes and threats of being fired if she dared open her mouth.

The only thing he willingly heard and listened to was the judge announcing the twelve year sentence Mr. Seo would have to serve.

Outside the courtroom, Sungjin stared at the huge window that let in a faint sunlight.

“What if I had paid more attention that night?” he asked.

Younghyun gave him a wary look. “Don’t even think about going there.” 

“But what he said makes sense,” Sungjin insisted. “What if- What if-”

“Listen to me,” Younghyun said. “Don't let what he says get to your head. You couldn't have known. If there’s anyone to blame, it’s Mr. Seo and Mr. Seo alone.”

_It might have been because of the illness you mentioned earlier…_

Those words echoed in Sungjin’s mind for days.

  
  


_May 2_ _nd _ _2021_

Younghyun pulled Sungjin’s covers off.

“Get up.”

“Leave me alone,” Sungjin said, pulling them over his head again.

“Get up.”

“No.”

“Get up.”

“I don’t want to.”

Younghyun huffed, crossing his arms. “You can't just spend the rest of your life moping under your blankets.”

“Challenge accepted,” Sungjin mumbled, turning his back to Younghyun.

“Come on.” Younghyun sat on the other end of his bed. “How about you just... come down to the shop today? You don't even have to help around. Just sit there.”

Sungjin’s heart sank at Younghyun’s words. After the trial, he had locked himself in his room every day. He only came out to go to the bathroom or eat something, hoping not to throw it up later. After a few failed attempts at dragging him out, the others had just let him have his space. 

Lately, though, someone was in his room every day, insisting he come out to eat or go on a walk or something. Sungjin didn’t know why it felt different this time, but something made him reconsider his choice of becoming a hermit in his own room.

His hold weakened on his blanket and he turned around to face the wall. “I’ll think about it.” 

“Great,” Younghyun said. “Now while you’re busy thinking about it,” he grabbed Sungjin by the shoulders, “get up.” 

Why was his voice suddenly so weird? 

Sungjin jolted from his bed. That did not sound like Younghyun at all. It sounded like his _mother_ of all people.

“What the fuck?” Sungjin glanced around the room, until his eyes fell on Younghyun’s raised eyebrows. “Fine, I’m coming,” he said, standing up, only to fall back down on his bed immediately.

Not eating for 24 hours straight hadn’t been a great idea.

“Just give me a second,” Sungjin said as he tried to get himself together.

“I mean, you don’t have to come to the shop if you really don’t feel like doing it,” Younghyun said carefully, a small frown on his face.

Sungjin gave him a confused look. “But isn’t that what you want?”

“Yes, but it might not be what you want. I just want- We all want you to feel better, but we don’t want to force you to do anything. It’s hard. I know it’s hard, but you can’t live the rest of your life being the embodiment of misery without letting anyone help you. If you don’t want to talk to us, that’s fine, but you can talk to someone else like a therapist or something. You know that Jae did. And it helped him a lot.”

“Yes. Yes I know that. I’ll think about that too.” Sungjin stood up, more slowly this time. “Now get out. I need to get dressed.”

“I’ll wait for you downstairs,” Younghyun said, flashing him a grin.

  
  


_June 5 th_ _2021_

Sungjin had never used drinking as a coping mechanism. He was glad, because he hated hangovers with all of his might.

However, despite not being particularly keen on ingesting massive amounts of alcohol, there he was, downing vodka directly from the bottle while sitting on the living room carpet at 2:47 a.m., with only a muted TV to keep him company.

And in front of that TV was a vintage camera, winking at him with reflections of the blue light.

Sungjin took another sip of the vodka. It tasted terrible. He didn’t even know who kept that stuff in the house. It stung his throat and made his eyes water, just like the day they had bought the camera. 

It had been the week before the trial. Wonpil had dragged everyone out for some reason. Sungjin would have preferred to stay at home. Exactly because the moment his gaze fell on that camera, tears gathered in his eyes. He didn’t want to be reminded that Dowoon wasn’t there anymore. The world seemed to do that all the time, and Wonpil just made it worse by buying the camera. It would’ve been Dowoon’s birthday present.

Even before that, for the first few weeks after Dowoon had died, he had convinced himself that it wasn't real. That he’d get another chance. But the trial had sent everything crashing down into him at full speed. 

He never got the chance to consider that perhaps none of it was real. He could go to sleep and then he’d wake up. It would’ve just been a nightmare.

Maybe if he believed hard enough…

He placed the almost empty bottle on the ground and sprawled over the carpet and passed out within seconds, hoping that when he woke up, it would be December 26th again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listening to the new album >>>>>>>>>>>>>> being on time for class
> 
> but WHY did i ever think that writing this was a good idea i almost made myself cry while editing it


	3. We Would Be pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you don't do well with blood, just skip the knife scene, alright love?

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin woke up with his heart pounding in his chest. Panting, he scrambled over to his side and picked up his phone with trembling hands.

_ 26 Dec 2020 _ was what it displayed.

He let out a sigh of relief and fell back on his pillow, hugging his phone close to his chest. He could still hear his heartbeat over the sound of blood rushing in his ears. He might have officially gone crazy, but it was the good kind of crazy that made him feel giddy. 

This time, he had plenty of knowledge and most importantly, time. All he needed was a plan to put it all into use.

He checked the time again.

It was 6:04 a.m.

The car accident must have happened somewhere between 7 and 7:30. He just had to delay it somehow. It wouldn’t be too hard if he took his sweet time getting ready, pretended there was a problem with the car and accidentally forgot something crucial at home so that they had to go back. 

There, done.

The difficult part was the stage. Sungjin shuddered as the unwelcome image of Dowoon drowning in a pool of his own blood ripped through his thoughts.

He couldn’t possibly get the others to cancel the show without a good reason. He could fake being sick, but then they would just perform without him. And no one would believe him if he told them that he knew with certainty that the stage was about to collapse into pieces. That left him with only one option. He had to somehow find -or make, if necessary- a visible sign of the stage’s deterioration.

“Sungjin!” Jae knocked loudly on his door. “Are you still not up?”   


Sungjin flinched at the sound of Jae’s loud voice. It hadn’t sounded that natural for months. For Sungjin at least.

“I’m coming,” he croaked out.

He looked in the mirror before opening his closet to grab some clothes. No more gaunt cheeks or ugly bags under his eyes.

“You can do this,” he whispered. “You’ll be fine.”

He slowly padded into the kitchen, the dread in his stomach growing with each step. He was wrong. Meeting Dowoon after months for the second time made him feel anything but fine.

He immediately teared up at the sight of Dowoon sitting behind the kitchen table sipping his coffee.

“Are you crying?” Wonpil asked, eyes wide.

Sungjin rubbed at his cheeks frantically.

“Are you alright?”

Not this again. He wished he could just get over it this time. Dowoon was  _ fine _ . Everyone was fine.

“I’m fine,” he said. “I just-”

He walked towards Dowoon and wrapped his arms around him. Dowoon stiffened at the touch, but he returned the hug when Sungjin let out a sob.

God, he had missed this so much. Dowoon's presence was warm and comforting and it made any façade that Sungjin had intended on putting up that day melt away.

“You're okay,” he whispered into Dowoon's shoulder and sniffled as he pulled back.

Everyone was staring at him with varying degrees of concern as he dropped onto a chair and rested his elbows on the table.

“I’m fine,” he said before anyone could ask him any questions. “I just had this really bad nightmare.” He sniffled and buried his head in his arms. “I’m sorry this is just- Oh god why can't I stop crying?”

“What happened in your nightmare?” Dowoon asked tentatively.

“You died.”

“Oh.” Dowoon paused. “Well, I'm alive and safe so you don't need to cry. Here,” Dowoon threw a couple of tissues at his face. “Clean yourself up.”

The prolonged awkward silence made Sungjin lift his head and look around just to make sure they weren't suddenly gone.

Younghyun cleared his throat. “We need to stop by the shop by the way. I forgot to pick up my amp last week.”

“Yes, of course we will do that,” Wonpil said. “We have  _ plenty _ of time to do so thanks to you.” He pointed a chopstick dangerously close to Jae's eyes.

“Well at least we won't be late for anything,” Jae said, tapping Wonpil's hands away.

“I don’t need to be given a heart attack at six in the morning a week before New Year’s Eve!”

“Technically, it’s less than six days.”

“That's not the point-”

Sungjin smiled despite the headache they were giving him.

“Why are you driving so slowly?” Younghyun asked. “We’ll get there tomorrow at this rate.”

“There's ice on the road.”

It had nothing to do with the way his stomach twisted like he was on a roller coaster as he stopped in front of their shop.

He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as he waited for Younghyun and glanced at the digital clock.

_ 7:09 _

He still had more than 20 minutes to go.

He snapped out of his thoughts when Younghyun closed the passenger’s side door and caused a rush of cold air to wash over Sungjin. He looked in the mirror to see Jae immersed in his phone, Wonpil staring out at nothing and Dowoon listening to music.

He started the car again. He had only driven a few metres when he suddenly stopped again and glanced at the clock.

_ 7:14 _

“Wait,” he said, trying to not sound too tight.

“What is it?” Younghyun asked, raising his head from the window.

“I think I forgot my bag.”

“Seriously?” Dowoon spoke up. “You forgot that huge ass bag of yours?”   


“I might have just done that,” Sungjin said. “We’ll go back real quick. We have lots of time anyway. Right Jae?”

Jae rolled his eyes. “Are you sure you left it at home? Go check the trunk before turning around.”

If the universe thought that Jae’s common sense would ruin Sungjin’s plan, then the universe was wrong. Sungjin had purposefully left his ‘huge ass’ bag at home for exactly that reason. They weren’t stupid and he couldn’t prevent anything with stupid plans.

Sungjin made sure to take his time driving carefully and slowly, because there was still ice on the road. His driving instructor would have been proud. It was 7:29 when he pulled over in front of their house and it was 7:33 when he started driving again, this time with a much lighter heart.

Now with one danger dodged, he had to take care of the other one, but even the thought of that shitty coffee shop was enough to make a layer of cold sweat cover his skin. And besides, who was he to determine that the driver of that car had already lost control and crashed into another unfortunate car? What if other innocent people died because of him?

His hands twitched and he turned the steering wheel to the right, almost crashing into a tree.

“Hey, be careful!”

What if  _ he _ crashed into another car? What if he killed them with his reckless driving?

“Sungjin!”

Then… then blaming himself would be the only right choice. He would have to live with that for the rest of his life. Unless he died as well.

“Sungjin!”

Younghyun’s hand on his shoulder brought him back to the reality where he was going to ram straight into a parked car. He slammed on the brakes just in time and turned around to look at Younghyun, who was staring at him with wide eyes. 

“Seriously, what’s wrong with you today?” he asked.

Sungjin didn’t answer. Instead, he fumbled with his seatbelt and got out of the van as soon as he managed to free himself. He doubled over the door as a cold rush of air got stuck in his throat, sending painful shivers throughout his body.

Whatever he did, something bad would happen again, right?

No, he had a plan. If he did everything right, then they would all be safe.

No,  _ something _ was bound to go wrong.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Younghyun asked, putting a hand on the back of his neck.

Sungjin shook his head and fought back the tears that were pooling in his eyes.

“Come on, talk to me.”   


_ I can’t. I wish I could but I can’t. _

He continued shaking his head. Then he was pressed into Younghyun’s. Sungjin let himself relax in his warm hold and let out a sigh of relief. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Sungjin pulled away and wiped his wet face.

“I’m- I’m okay,” he said, “I think. Let’s go.”   


“It’s not just the nightmare, is it?”   


“What do you mean?” Sungjin bounced his legs up and down. “Let’s go.”   


Younghyun exchanged a look with Wonpil, who was standing behind Sungjin.

“Alright, but I'm driving.”

_ “Alright, but I'm driving.” _

“WHAT?” Sungjin shouted, making Wonpil and Younghyun flinch at the tone of his voice. “I mean,” he said, rubbing his neck, “go ahead. Yes. Let’s do that.”

He threw himself on the backseat and ignored the puzzled looks everyone was giving him.

The minutes passed by quickly as Sungjin tried to come up with a solution to the problem at hand. Maybe he should’ve just pulled an excuse out of his ass or lied to get that show cancelled. But he was in way too deep now and he didn’t know how to dig his way up. At least this time he remembered the setlist. Not that it mattered too much. He was determined on getting the show cancelled before it even started.

“Holy shit, that looks nasty,” Younghyun said as he stared out of the window to two cars so wrecked that they were wrapped around each other.

_ Skid, brake, crash- _

Sungjin shook his head before his mind could go too far. He hadn’t thought about that accident for months and he wasn’t about to do it again at that moment. He still couldn’t help but pale at the sight of blood seeping out of one of the car’s windows as he tried to swallow down the nausea that had crept up on him.

_ Crash, shatter, break, whistle. _

He put in his earphones and turned up the music until his ears hurt.

The hotel didn’t look or smell as nice as he remembered. The last time he’d been there, he was throwing his clothes in the huge ass bag that Dowoon seemed to hate while something weighed down in his chest because Dowoon wasn’t there anymore.

But he was now and Sungjin intended to keep it that way.

When they arrived at  _ Bingo’s Jazz Café _ , the manager was already standing outside and smoking a smelly cigarette. Sungjin suppressed the urge of throwing a punch square in his greasy moustache by almost unhinging the door to the back of their van. And he still didn’t have a plan. Well, he did, but it sounded so stupid even in his head that he’d be surprised if it actually worked. He wordlessly picked up their heaviest box and made his way through the coffee shop.

“Excuse me,” he said as he dodged customers around the tables. Couldn’t he at least use the back door?

As if on cue, the manager gave him the stink eye as he slammed the back door. Sungjin didn’t take his eyes off him until he dropped the box as heavily as he could, without damaging the equipment inside, on the stage, right where Dowoon should have set up his drums. And right where Dowoon had died.

There was really no sign of damage to the stage. There were no cracks in the wood that could possibly indicate that it was about to give out. It didn’t feel wobbly under his feet as he circled it a few times. Mr. Seo definitely knew how to keep up appearances.

There was a hand on his shoulder and someone’s warm breath hit his neck. “Sungjin?” He flinched at Jae’s low voice and turned around so quickly that his arm hit Jae’s face.

“You gave me a heart attack!” He pushed Jae away and wiped his brows. He hadn’t realized how much he had sweated.

“And you almost gave me a broken cheek bone.” Jae rubbed his face. “What were you staring at anyway?”   


“Nothing,” Sungjin said hastily. “I was catching my breath.” 

He stomped his way to the van and picked up another heavy box and dumped it on the exact same spot where Dowoon had disappeared from his eyes.

Then he dropped another box on there. Then another one. And another one until there were no more boxes. He huffed as he picked up his guitar and swinged it on his back. The stage was still intact and mocking him through the glass door of the coffee shop and nothing was going his way. What if he had somehow made it worse though? What if he had made the stage just weak enough that it could hold itself together for a few minutes but collapse right when Sungjin thought the crisis had been averted?

No, no, no.

What if it collapsed right then and there? They were still standing on it. What was he even  _ thinking _ ? Scratch that, he hadn’t been thinking when he had started to mindlessly throw heavy equipment on a stage that he knew for a fact was not in the condition to safely support any extra weight.

He ran towards the back door. His fingers slipped off the handle a few times until he could grip it tight enough to throw it open. He ran towards the stage, but he wasn’t fast enough. Not fast enough. Everything was going in slow motion except for his heartbeat and short breaths. After what felt like an eternity, he jumped over the steps and landed on the stage, resting his hands on his knees as he gasped for air. Everyone turned around to stare at him.

“Get-” he started, but he was interrupted by a loud cracking sound underneath him.

He stared with wide eyes at the pointy metal beam that was slowly descending towards his face. It would pierce his eye at any given moment. So this was how Dowoon had felt right before he was stabbed in the brain.

Then someone grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Sungin lost his balance and fell down from what was left of the stage, landing painfully on his shoulder.

“Are you okay? What the fuck just happened?”   


Sungjin breathed and blinked at the person in front of him. He needed a few moments to register that it was Dowoon. The weight of the guitar was suddenly gone from his back and he turned around to look at the stage, catching Younghyun’s gaze who had a spooked look in his eyes. 

It was literally gone. There was a hole with beams and planks of wood sticking out of it which no longer resembled the stage.

Sungjin was suddenly aware of the fact that he was shaking and that someone else was also shaking him, which made him feel even more nauseous.

“Stop,” he whispered, weakly pushing Dowoon’s hands away but still holding on to them. “You’re okay…” His grip tightened around Dowoon’s wrists. “You’re okay…”

“Of course I am you idiot. You’re the one you should be worrying about right now.”

Sungjin looked around. People were staring at him while filing out of the coffee shop with panicked looks on their faces. Some people were sitting at their tables, filming them while sipping their drinks as if they were at the cinema.

“Excuse me!” Mr. Seo stomped towards the tables. “Please stop filming this and leave my property immediately.”   


“But we were here to have a good time!”   


“I’m sorry but you need to leave before I ban you from here.”   


“Like we’ll ever come back to this shithole. Let’s go.”   


Mr. Seo approached Sungjin with fire in his eyes.

“What did you do to my stage?” He pointed an accusing finger at Sungjin. “I saw you carelessly throwing things around. Are you trying to compromise my business?”   


Sungjin caught a waitress’s eye. “The stage was obviously weak before I did anything to it, Mr. Seo,” he said, but he didn’t sound as confident as he wanted to.

“How dare you! I’m going to call the police on you!”   


The waitress walked towards them. “That won’t be necessary,” she said. “I’ve already called them.”   


Sungjin gaped at her. “What?”   


“I’ve called the police.” She took a deep breath. “Not on them but on you.” She pointed at Mr. Seo.

“How dare you turn on me!” Mr. Seo shouted. “I gave you a job when nobody else would. You’re fucking fired!”   


“I don’t care,” she said, planting her foot on the floor.

“Then I’ll make you care,” Mr. Seo said as he raised a hand and slapped her.

It sent a jolt through Sungjin’s body. Her coworkers shielded her, while Mr. Seo was held back by Jae and another waiter. 

He was paralyzed as he heard her scream.

Sirens blared through the air and blue lights illuminated the black hole. A few seconds later, a few police officers walked inside the coffee shop.

“What seems to be the problem here?”

The waitress told them everything between tears and hiccups. It was worse than what Sungjin remembered from the court. In the end, she decided to press charges against Mr. Seo.

“I understand,” the police officer said. “The rest of your accusations will need investigation, though. We can’t arrest him on grounds of tax evasion and mobbing right now. But we will take him into custody for assault.”

“I’ll make you regret it,” Mr. Seo growled as the police officers took him away in their car.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Wonpil asked.

Sungjin had been lying on his bed for minutes (or hours, he didn’t know) staring at the ceiling and saying nothing. As soon as they had managed to retrieve whatever equipment they could from under the rubbles, they had made their way back to the hotel. Sungjin still couldn’t believe it. He had managed to save everyone  _ and _ get Mr. Seo arrested. Granted, that was his own fault, but Sungjin was still happy. Why was he still so dazed though? He felt happy. He felt like he should be happy, but his brain registered everything with a few seconds of delay, making him feel out of touch with the world. So when he finally found the words to answer Wonpil’s question, he was already asking him another one.

“You didn’t hit your head, did you?”

Sungjin blinked. “Yes. No. I mean yes, I’m okay and no, I didn’t hit my head.”

  
  


_ April 30th _ _ 2021 _

It was a cool, sunny day, the kind where Wonpil would wake everyone up by opening all the curtains and windows and shouting, “Rise and shine, brethren! What a wonderful day to conquer the world!”

Sungjin sighed dreamily as he stared at the street outside their shop window. Everything looked a shade brighter due to the sunlight, from the bicycles parked in front of the library next to them, to the people standing in line in front of the ice cream shop, to the trees lining the street. Most of their flowers had already bloomed into different, lively shades of green leaves on thick branches that cast a refreshing shadow over the sidewalks.

“Too nice of a day to be working, huh?”

Sungjin turned his gaze to the customer standing in front of him. “Oh, yes- no- I’m sorry. I got distracted for a second,” he said, sending her a sheepish grin.

She laughed. “I mean, I can't really blame you.”

Sungjin nodded politely and turned his attention to the request form he was filling out for her, until his attention was averted once again by the sound of a car skidding across the street and crashing straight into the ice cream shop. For a second, everyone froze and no one made a sound. Then, a child's scream pierced through the air, snapping everyone back to reality. Sungjin looked at the mess of blood and limbs splayed in front of the ice cream shop. The employee behind the counter looked deathly pale, still clutching an ice cream cone stained with drops of blood. Someone was already on the phone shouting about their location to the emergency operator.

“Oh my god, that’s- that’s horrible,” his customer said.

Sungjin gulped, forcing himself to look down to the form and he gripped his pen tighter. The ink smudged as he finished filling it out.

“There you go,” Sungjin said, struggling to keep his voice steady. “Please sign here.”

He looked outside again and held his breath.

_ Skid, brake, crash. _

He mumbled a goodbye to the customer when she turned around to leave. In the same moment, Jae emerged from their underground storage room.

“Hey, what's going on?” He asked. “I heard some- Holy shit.”

He stood there, mouth agape and eyes wide, staring at the scene in front of him. And then, their van parked in front of the shop and Wonpil and Dowoon got out of it, sporting the same look as Jae. The sight of the van made something twist in Sungjin's guts. He let go of the pen that he didn’t know he was still holding and turned around, resting his back on the counter and clutching it so hard his fingers turned white. He tried to breathe out, but only a short gasp came out.

_ One, two, three, four. _

He pushed himself away from the counter and stumbled towards the ‘staff only’ door.

_ Blood and glass. _

He pushed the door open and walked briskly towards the bathroom.

_ Cold air and sirens. _

He locked the door behind him and leaned on the sink.

_ Dead, dead, dead. _

It was over. It was over. He was over this. But his skin still crawled at the thought of cars and car crashes. Funny how he wasn’t deathly afraid of wooden stages. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he didn’t see wooden stages every day.

Sungjin clutched the cold sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He only saw the blurred outline of his face. Wiping his face with his arm, he took a step back and hugged his shaking torso. He didn’t want to stand in the middle of the bathroom. He didn’t want to sit down either. He didn’t want to walk, nor did he want to run away. His skin itched for something he couldn’t quite place. A sob escaped him as a wave of excruciating grief took over him. Every little crack of his chest hurt, and it hurt so, so bad.

“Sungjin?” Jae’s muffled voice came from behind the door. “Are you in there?”

He wiped at his eyes, but more tears came out than before. “Yes. Just give me a minute.”

A minute turned into ten minutes as he continuously splashed cold water onto his face, mixing it with fresh tears until there were no more. He looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, his nose and cheeks were red and it was painfully obvious that he had been crying. Not that Jae hadn’t heard his sobs from behind the door.

Sungjin dried his face up with a paper towel and blew his nose before opening the door, startling Jae, who was leaning against it.

“Were you crying?” Jae asked as he scrambled to regain his balance.

“Yes.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“Are you okay?”

Sungjin paused. Was he okay? “I will be.”

“If you say so… I’ll just head out then.”

Sungjin followed Jae back to the main room of their shop, keeping his head down to avoid looking at the crash site with the excuse of rearranging some displays that clearly didn't need rearranging. But even moving a guitar half a millimetre up the wall didn't block the sounds coming from outside, and more importantly the whispers behind him.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him like that since-”

“Just act normal around him. If it’s anything like that, he’ll come to us when he figures out how he wants to deal with it. Probably. I don’t know.”

Sungjin tuned out the rest of their conversation as he immersed himself in an in depth analysis of the texture of the paint on the walls.

  
  


_ November 16th _ _ 2021 _

It was a windy autumn afternoon, with dry leaves swirling in the air and falling back down again, only to be scrunched by someone. Sungjin buried his hands deeper into his pockets as he waited for Jae in the courtyard of a client’s house where they had just delivered a piano. He shivered when another gust of wind snaked through his body and cursed Jae’s smaller than average bladder. When he appeared at the top of the stairs that led to an archway in the centre of the courtyard, Sungjin detached himself from the statue he was leaning on.

“Finally,” he muttered, rolling his eyes.

He opened his mouth to shout something to Jae, but he missed a step and tumbled down the stairs with ugly thuds, making any sound die in Sungjin’s throat. His body became impossibly cold, though it had nothing to do with the wind. He didn’t feel the ground under his feet as he ran towards the stairs. He faltered for a second when he saw Jae, lying on the ground with tangled limbs and rattling in shallow and painful breaths as the dark crimson blood pooled under his head. The iron like smell made him feel nauseated. His ears were ringing.

Despite all that, Sungjin was on his knees in a second, cradling Jae’s bleeding head in his arms as he felt warm blood seep through his sleeves and paint his skin red.

He moved his mouth a few times before he could make any sound. “Help me!” He finally shouted, body shaking with every syllable. “Someone call an ambulance! Please!”

A door opened and a man appeared at the top of the stairs. “Oh dear god, what happened?”   


“Call an ambulance,” Sungjin said as he pressed his hand to Jae’s head, hoping to find the actual wound because there was just  _ so much _ blood.

This couldn’t be related to the other incidents. It had been more than ten months. Both of them had happened during their gigs. They were  _ connected _ to their gigs. This wasn’t. Jae was going to be alright. He had to. It was just a simple fall. Didn’t they say that head wounds bleed a lot? There. That was why there was so much blood on Sungjin’s hands. Jae was going to be just fine.

“Su- Sung...jin…” Jae coughed and groaned in pain.

Sungjin leaned closer to Jae to protect him from the wind. “Don’t talk. It’s going to be okay. Help is on the way. Just relax.”

“No… Sungjin… Don’t… Don’t… touch my… hair.”

Sungjin let out an ugly sound, something between a laugh and a sob, as Jae’s body went limp in his arms.

“Come on, open your eyes.” A few tears dripped down his face, mixing with the blood. “Don’t play pranks on me. I know you can open your eyes.”

Jae didn’t move.

“Please,” Sungjin’s voice broke, “I’ll treat you to your favourite meal. Forever. Just- Just open your eyes.” His heart started racing as he shook Jae’s shoulders. “I’ll do anything, anything you ask. I won't touch your hair. Just please… wake up...” His voice faded away with each word.

More tears, mixed with blood, and then someone pulled him away. People in fluorescent uniforms threw themselves at Jae, shouting unintelligible orders to each other and doing compressions on his chest.

It looked like it hurt and Sungjin wanted them to stop, but he was paralyzed on the ground. He did nothing as those people stuck plastic pads onto Jae’s bare chest (but he’d get cold) and pressed a button on a stupid looking machine and then proceeded to crush his chest with compressions again, and again, and again.

What felt like seconds later, Sungjin found himself in the waiting area of the hospital with bloody hands and bloody clothes. The smell almost made him gag. He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember how he’d ended up there, but his mind came up with a blank. He didn’t even know where Jae was. He looked around. People were moving and minding their own business. None of them paid any attention to him other than scrunching their nose when they walked past him. And none of them knew where Jae was.

He fished his phone out of his pocket, almost dropping it as he dialled Younghyun’s number and smeared the screen with an ugly brown stain. He picked up after two rings.

“Hello?” His voice came through and Sungjin could only breathe in. “Sungjin? What is it?”

“You really need to come to the General Hospital,” Sungjin said in a quiet voice and hung up immediately, not bothering to wait for a reply.

Later that day, he found himself sitting in a chair surrounded by Wonpil, Younghyun and Dowoon, listening to the same one sided conversation they’d had with the doctor who had announced Dowoon’s death. Only this time it wasn’t Dowoon, and this time Sungjin wasn’t sitting there with a poker face. He was crying quietly, shoving away any comforting hand and wiping his tears as he listened to the same bullshit about coming to them if they needed anything.

Yeah, Sungjin needed help, but it wasn’t the kind of help a doctor or anyone else could give him. He needed to go back. He needed to start over. Again and again and again until he learnt to fix it.

“-jin! Sungjin!” Dowoon was standing in front of him with a calm yet pained look on his face.

“Huh?”

Dowoon sighed and rubbed his forehead “We’re going home. Come on.”

Upon entering the car, Sungjin discovered that he absolutely did not want to be there just to be assaulted by images of wrecked cars and bloody limbs, so he kept his head low and locked himself in the bathroom as soon as they got home. 

He ripped his clothes off himself and threw them into a black plastic bag. They were probably stained for life. Even if they weren’t, Sungjin could never bring himself to even look at those clothes again without crying.

After shoving the bag under the sink, Sungjin turned around and looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy, his hair was messy and his chest and arms were stained with blood.

Jae’s blood.

Bile rose up in his throat at the realization and he threw himself at the cold toilet bowl to empty his stomach. He dragged his knees on the tile floor and opened the water tap on the hottest setting before he stepped under the scalding water.

Tears mixed with blood and water and steam as he scrubbed his skin so hard until he couldn’t tell whether it was red from blood or his incessant rubbing anymore.

He stayed there until Dowoon came knocking at the door, asking him if everything was okay.

It was supposed to be the day before Jae’s funeral. Sungjin didn’t know what day it was. He wasn’t keeping track anymore.

His hair rustled as a train passed by. It didn’t stop, so it was probably a cargo train. The station had been one of Jae’s favourite hangout spots in university days.

_ “Why do you always hang out at the train station?” Sungjin asked him one night. _

_ Jae shrugged. “I like trains.” _

_ “That’s it?” _

_ “Well, it’s also always full of people rushing around and having conversations without paying attention to anything around them. It’s nice watching them and listening to what they have to say without having to worry about catching your train on time. It’s like you can stop and watch the world continue moving along without doing anything to help it move along. It’s really relaxing. I’ll take you there sometime.” _

And now, the world was moving along without Sungjin. At some point, he would have to move along as well regardless of whether he wanted to or not.

But he didn’t want to live like that. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to live anymore. He didn’t want to live, but he didn’t want to die either. He just wanted to do something to make existing not painful anymore.

But what if he killed himself and never woke up on December 26 th again? He didn’t even want to think about how it would crush them, his mom, his dad, his sister. Would it really be selfish of him to want to end his own suffering at the cost of other people’s suffering?

But then, maybe it had been the key to the problem all along. It made perfect sense. Why hadn’t he thought of that before?

The first time, he went back to their house and then ran out in the snow. He didn’t remember much about that. He probably fell and died in a ditch.

The second time he probably drank himself to death and died from alcohol poisoning.

Maybe the solution to all his problems had been in front of him all the time. He had to prove to the universe that he was willing to sacrifice himself for the people he loved. Only then they could all live in safety and happiness. Why else would he be allowed to go back anyway?

The loud screech of a train caught Sungjin’s attention. He stood up, walked to the edge of the platform and stepped off before the gust of wind could mess up his hair again.

_ December 26th _ _ 2020 _

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin kept his eyes closed for a few seconds. He felt strangely calm and collected. This loop, or whatever it was, had to be the one where he would be able to continue his life normally. No more deaths and funerals. He had come to hate them. Even though people pretended to celebrate the good that the dead person had done in their life, they were miserable. Everything was black and white and so lifeless. People walked around with puffy eyes and tears streaming down their faces. Some looked straight up dead. Sungjin had had enough of it, of black suits and white flowers and framed pictures mocking him with their bright smiles.

“Oh my god it’s already 7 o’clock! We’re definitely going to be late!”

That was his call to go back to living his life. So Sungjin dragged himself out of bed with a deep breath, went to the bathroom, got dressed, grabbed his bag and guitar, and walked down the stairs with measured steps.

As soon as he stepped off the last step, he was hit by a hot gust of wind, and his nose was filled with the smell of smoke. He coughed, bringing a hand to his face to shield his eyes from the sudden orange and yellow dazzling light. 

“Guys?” He asked. “What’s going on?”

He scanned the room until his eyes fell on two prone figures lying on the ground right next to the wall in front of him. It was Wonpil and Jae.

Despite the heat surrounding him, Sungjin was cold.

This was supposed to be over. He had killed himself, he had sacrificed his life for them and now there was a fire in their house? What was he even supposed to do anymore?

Sungjin felt a drop of sweat trickle down his neck as he set his guitar on the floor and walked towards them. A crackling sound came from above, and next thing he knew, a piece of wood on fire fell right next to him, grazing his arm. Sungjin gasped from the pain and fell to his side, keeping his head down to protect his face from the sparks that jumped out of every piece of furniture around him.

“Younghyun?” He called, struggling to breath as smoke entered his lungs. “Dowoon? Where are you?”

Sungjin crawled over to Wonpil, wincing at the sensation of hot needles piercing his skin, and grabbed his wrist.

He tugged at his sleeve. “Wonpil…” He coughed and gasped for breath. “Jae…”

It was too hot. He could feel his clothes getting damp from sweat, and immediately dry due to the scorching heat. He turned around. He was surrounded by a ring of fire. Everything was on fire. The staircase, the walls, the doors, every nook and cranny of the house was burning and falling apart. Sungjin was getting lightheaded from all the smoke.

“Jae…” He said, his voice barely audible to himself.

His eyes were getting heavy. He blinked a few times, struggling to move his eyelids on his dry and sticky eyes, and looked up just in time to see a ball of heat and light coming towards them. He didn’t have the energy to scream. Instead, he slowly dragged his arm over to Wonpil’s back, even though it wasn’t enough to protect him. It was all he could do as he felt a burning weight on his skin, tingling and searing his skin until there was no more pain to feel.

He let a few short breaths out of his tight and heavy chest before darkness too over his hazy vision.

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin woke up to the smell of smoke and burnt flesh still permeating his nose. He stumbled out of his bed and fumbled with the window handle until he managed to open it. He sighed in relief as the cold morning air hit his face. He slumped over the window sill, taking in a few deep breaths that burnt his throat.

That one was probably a nightmare. There wasn’t any logical cause to why their house would be on fire like that. Their smoke alarms worked just fine and surely, someone would have called the firefighters as soon as they saw the smoke and flames. The fire wasn’t real, but he still had to do something.

He left the window open as he walked towards the door and slammed it behind him.

Once he was in the kitchen, playing with a little bread crumb, with everyone sitting around him, he decided to speak up.

“I don’t think we should go today,” he said, not looking up from the table.

“What do you mean?” Younghyun asked.

Sungjin sighed and leaned back in his chair. “I don’t know. I have a bad feeling about it.”

“Well then…” Younghyun seemed at a loss for words. “You’ll get better once you start performing. Don’t worry too much.”

“No,” Sungjin crumbled another piece of bread between his fingers. “I’m not joking. We really shouldn’t go. At least I’m not going.” He looked up at Younghyun’s incredulous face.

“But we’ve been preparing for this for months!”

“I know. I know that this means a lot to you, but I’m not going, and you shouldn’t go either. Maybe we could find other gigs next year.”

“I understand if you don’t want to perform, but you can’t just dump that information on us  _ today _ after pretending to be excited about it for months!”   


“I wasn’t  _ pretending _ , I just didn’t know enough to-”   


His rant was interrupted by a cry of pain. Sungjin whipped his head around at the sound. A chair rattled.

Jae fell to his knees. “Fuck. Fuck. He slipped. Oh my god. Wonpil…” 

Sungjin’s eyes followed Jae’s hands and landed on Wonpil, who was lying on the floor with a knife sticking out of his chest. His blood ran cold. He felt lightheaded.

“Where the fuck do we keep the towels? Don’t move. What- How- What did you do?”

Sungjin knew that he should help, but he was frozen in place, glued to his seat. He could only hear muffled voices above the thumping sound of his heart.

“What the fuck are you looking at? Call an ambulance!”

Sungjin didn’t register himself moving until he was standing next to the kitchen sink, holding a huge knife they never used. He closed his eyes, ignoring the commotion around him. His hand moved on its own until he felt the coldness of the sharp blade resting against his neck. With a flick of the wrist, he slashed the knife across his skin. Blood poured out and down his chest in spurts, warm, warmer than his skin, warmer than the handle of the knife that clattered to the floor. 

Sungjin crumbled next to Wonpil.

“Sungjin-”

“What is he-”

“I’m gonna be sick.”   


And screams. Lots of screams.

They were giving him a headache. So he closed his eyes and let darkness and pain take over his senses.

_ Again. _

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin woke up, got dressed, got into the van, drove all the way to the hotel, forgot what song they were playing mid performance. He opted out of dinner with an upset stomach as his excuse. He didn’t think he could stomach Mr. Seo’s food.

He didn’t understand why everyone kept asking him if he was alright and shooting him worried glances. Truth be told, he wasn’t exactly alright. He was hyper alert about everything. He flinched at every unexpected sound or touch. When he wasn't concentrating on something, he observed his surroundings with wide eyes, muting every sound until someone brought his attention back.

In spite of this, though, he sometimes found himself lost in thought. He was tired of trying, failing, then trying again and thinking he’d succeeded only to have everything ripped away from him when he expected it the least. Perhaps he hadn’t tried everything.

A car honked and brushed by his face. A slender hand grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him back, making him stumble on his feet. Sungjin’s heart beat slowly and painfully.

“Jesus fucking christ be careful!” Jae almost shouted, still holding onto him.

Something ugly bubbled in Sungjin’s chest. “It’s not like anything is going to happen to me,” he gritted through his teeth, yanking his arm out of Jae’s hold.

He stared at Sungjin with a mixture of fear and surprise in his eyes. Sungjin didn’t understand what he was afraid of. Even if he got hurt, the loops would reset themselves. He would get another chance and try to save then again. The universe would not deem his efforts worthy enough. They would die again. Reset. Again. Reset. Again.

Maybe it was supposed to go on forever. Everyone would continue living their lives as if Sungjin’s world wasn't slowly falling apart into little pieces collapsing in on themselves.

After that episode, as Sungjin called it, they didn’t allow him to drive on their way back home. Something about Jae desperately wanting to drive. He didn't really know. He tuned out their conversation when he had heard enough.

Their performances had gone well. Nobody died, so that was a success. But Sungjin knew not to count his chickens before they hatched. Anything could happen at any given moment. Even if he prevented something, another thing would spring up and catch him off guard.

He didn’t let his guard down, but the bus coming at them full speed jumped way over it.

The world tilted and shifted. His bones broke. Sungjin didn't panic.

  
  


_ Again. _

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin woke up with a start. He collected himself, ignored Jae’s incessant knocking, got out of bed, got dressed, walked down the stairs slowly and avoided crashing into Younghyun.

Sungjin ignored Jae’s cry for help. Sungjin ignored Wonpil. He walked into the kitchen. He ate breakfast. It tasted like paper. He nodded wordlessly when Younghyun mentioned his forgotten amp. He nodded when Younghyun asked him if he was okay. He ignored the worried looks everyone was giving him.

A glance at the mirror showed him a car skidding towards them way too fast. He swerved and slammed on the brakes.

There was no way out.

His head rested against the cold asphalt. He heard sirens. He closed his eyes.

_ “A truck? Seriously?” _

_ “Where the fuck am I going to sit?” _

_ “Why does Younghyun get to sit in the front?” _

_ “I called dibs on the seat.” _

_ “But you got here last.” _

_ “Why do  _ you _ get to sit in the front?” _

_ “Because I’m the only one who bothered to get a driving licence.” _

_ “Oh great, it’s starting to rain.” _

_ “We need to buy a van when we become rich.” _

_ Again. _

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin woke up, got dressed, went downstairs, got into the van, got into a car accident.

_ Again. _

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin woke up. He got dressed, got into the van, got into a car accident.

_ Again. _

Sungjin woke up.

Sungjin got into a car accident.

_ Again. _

_ Guys wake up we’re gonna be late _

_ Guys wake up we’re gonna be late _

_ Guys wake up _

_ Guys _

_ Wake up _

_ We’re gonna be late _

_ Wake up _

_ Guys _

_ Wake up _

_ Wake up _

_ Wake up _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what have i DONE


	4. We Will Be

“Guys, wake up! We’re gonna be late!”

Sungjin woke up, got out of bed, got dressed-

He dropped the socks he was about to put on when his phone started to ring. Sungjin stared at his nightstand where it was still charging. It kept ringing, and Sungjin was frozen in place.

This was new.

This had never happened before.

Sungjin lunged himself at his phone, fumbling with it as he tapped on the answer button without looking at who was calling.

“Hello?” he said in a shaky voice.

“Sungjin,” his mom said. She sounded out of breath and her voice was raspy.

Sungjin clutched his phone tighter in his hand. “Mom?”

“Sungjin, your father-” Her breath hitched. He shifted on his feet. “He had a heart attack. They tried to revive him but-” She broke into tears. He held his breath. “He’s dead.”

He didn’t hear his phone clatter on the floor.

It didn’t make sense. His father was completely healthy. He ate well, he exercised, he didn’t have any heart conditions. No, he could have heard wrong. Or maybe it was a dream. What was it about false awakenings again?

He found himself on the floor, knees tucked into his chest, only when three knocks on the door pulled him out of his trance. He stood up, picked up everything he needed and opened the door.

“Are you ready to go?” Jae asked.

“Yes.”

They went downstairs. He sat behind the kitchen table. He stared at the microwave.

“Aren’t you eating anything?” Younghyun asked him.

He shrugged. “I’m not hungry.”

A few minutes later, he was standing outside their front door.

“Wonpil,” he said, “can you drive?”

Wonpil frowned. “Why?”

“I’m tired.”

“Are you okay?”

Sungjin blinked. He looked at Wonpil for a few seconds before walking towards the van.

Sungjin looked over to the audience. Everyone was eating, chatting and generally having a good time. They were all oblivious to the storm that was going on in Sungjin’s mind. The loops were starting to feel different. He wanted to sit down somewhere and think about his life, but every time he tried to concentrate on something, his thoughts scattered away. His mind was filled with a jumble of thoughts that bounced on and off his brain without ever sticking anywhere.

He had to do something about the next day. The stage was still the same old weak stage that had taken Dowoon’s life once before. He wasn’t going to let it happen again. He couldn’t think straight. He needed to-

Younghyun’s singing snapped him out of his thoughts. He looked to his right. Younghyun gave him a puzzled look. His mouth felt dry. His hands hovered over the guitar strings.

When had he stopped playing?

He shook his head as he pressed his twitching fingers on the guitar strings and started playing again as if nothing had happened.

“My father passed away,” Sungjin said while they were packing their instruments.

Everyone paused. The chatter died down.

“When- What?” Wonpil stammered.

“My mom called this morning. She said he had a heart attack.”

Was it weird that he was talking about it like he was reciting his grocery list?

Wonpil walked towards him. “Why didn’t you tell us anything?” He sounded like a deflating balloon.

“I…” Sungjin looked down. “I thought…”

He was being stupid again. He had to go to his parents’ house. He needed to be there for his mother and his sister, and yet he was in another town, singing and playing the guitar for a bunch of strangers. And for what purpose? To make them happy? To make himself happy? To make himself forget? What was he supposed to forget anyway?

“Sungjin,” Wonpil whispered, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s go back, alright?”

“Okay.”

Everything went by in a haze. Every memory that registered in Sungjin’s mind was glitchy. One moment, he was being shoved in the back seat. The next, he was being hugged by his tearful mother berating him for something he didn’t remember.

The day of the funeral, he sat next to his sister. Everyone was giving him pitying looks he didn’t know how to interpret. There was something wrong with him. He hadn’t cried even once since that day. Even Wonpil had teared up seeing his family like that, but Sungjin felt nothing. He sometimes tried to force himself to feel something by going through their photo albums. There was a tinge of longing in his chest, but it was quickly suppressed, giving away to the numb heaviness that characterized his days.

Sungjin woke up covered in cold sweat, with his heart trying to leap out of his chest. He had become so accustomed to the nightmares that he didn’t even remember them anymore. They were all the same anyway. It was either a car accident, or a burning building collapsing on him, or another freak accident that killed them all.

With a frustrated sigh, he hurled his pillows across the room and stomped down the stairs. It had been months since he had last woken up without feeling like he was about to pass out from dizziness.

He walked all the way to the shop. Once he was inside, he dropped himself on a chair behind the counter and crossed his arms. The familiar sensation of someone looking at him crept up his back. He turned around abruptly and was met with Jae’s sharp gaze

“What?” he asked in an exasperated tone.

Jae shrugged. “Nothing.”

Sungjin turned around with a huff. If they thought he couldn’t hear them talking about him all day, then they were wrong. He could hear them telling each other to avoid him lest they cause another outburst. It was really his own fault, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. He continued sulking in his chair until a customer approached him.

“Hello, how may I help you?” he asked even though he didn’t feel like helping her.

“I’m thinking of buying an acoustic guitar for my son,” she said. “He’s only starting out this week and I don’t know anything about guitars, so I thought you would be able to give me some suggestions?”

“Of course.” Great. Another idiot customer. “Do you already have anything in mind?”

“Well, he found this really expensive model on the internet…” she pointed at one of the guitars on display. “I think it was that one. But anyway, I’m not sure that’s the right one for us right now.”

Sungjin rolled his eyes. He could only see red. “Are you really that stupid? You don’t need a fucking professional model for your ten year old child!”

She put her hands on her hips and looked at him with an incredulous look on her face. “Excuse me?” 

“You-”

Younghyun walked in, effectively interrupting Sungjin. “Is there a problem here?”

“Yes! Your coworker is being unnecessarily rude!”

“I apologize for that. He hasn’t been feeling very well lately. Isn’t that right, Sungjin?” Younghyun gave him a look that exuded murder unless he agreed.

“Yes,” he said, looking to the side. “I’m sorry for speaking to you like that.”

The woman huffed. “Whatever.”

“Now would you like me to help you with your purchase?” Younghyun asked.

Sungjin felt like he was swimming through water as he walked towards a random storage room. Slowly, he positioned himself on a box, with his hands on his thighs. His anger had died down, only to be replaced by a heavy feeling in his chest. He preferred the anger by a long shot. He didn’t know how long he had stayed there until Younghyun came bursting in.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“I-” _I wish I knew._ “I don’t know.”

“You can’t just talk to the customers like that!”

“I know. I’m sorry.” He really didn’t care. No one would remember this once he went back and fixed everything.

Younghyun sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I know you’re hurting, but please don’t take it out on other people.”

Sungjin’s blood ran cold. Younghyun didn’t know about the loops. He didn’t know what he was talking about. Because how would he _know_? 

“How would you know?” The words left his mouth before he could stop them.

“Sungjin, I _understand_.”

“You don’t know anything, so stop pretending to understand.”

“Sungjin, will you be coming home tomorrow?” his mother asked. Her voice was mixed with static through the phone.

Sungjin passed his phone to his other hand and shifted on his feet. “Why would I come back so suddenly? I have work to do. I can’t just dump the shop on the others.”

“See, this is why it’s not healthy for you to stay there. There’s too many memories.”

“Why are you insisting so much? I really have no idea what you’re talking about. I need to go now. Say hi to dad for me.”

Sungjin ran down the stairs and grabbed his keys from the kitchen table. He didn’t understand why his mother was being so annoying lately. And what if he went back? Why would that make her happier? She was the one who encouraged him to become independent in the first place. He shook his head. He didn’t have time for that now.

“Dowoon!”

No one answered him. The only sound he could hear was the humming of the fridge and the cars passing outside their house. Had they all left without him?

“Dowoon, we need to go!”

This time the silence sent chills down Sungjin’s spine. What if they were gone? What if-

No. He knew they were still alive. He hadn’t seen any of them die. He was alive too. Everyone was okay. 

For now.

He dragged his feet towards the van and got into the driver’s seat. 

“Are you sure?” Dowoon asked.

Sungjin flinched, hitting his head on the window. Blood soared through his ears as he put his hand against his chest.

“What the fuck- When did you get in here?”

Dowoon looked forward with an expressionless face, hands resting on his thighs. 

“We should go,” he said.

Sungjin’s hands hovered over the steering wheel before clutching it. “Yes, yes, of course,” he stammered. “Wait, where are we supposed to go again?”

“You should know that.”

It was December again and nothing had happened yet. Sungjin was starting to question everything that had ever happened. If things went on like that, he thought he might have to take matters into his own hands. Rational explanations didn’t convince him anymore. If anything, they only made him angry. How long did he have to wait for? What was the universe waiting for? What was it trying to prove? That it could make him suffer for absolutely no good reason?

All he needed to do was to die. But it couldn’t be any ordinary death because none of this was _normal_ . He would have to endure it, though. He _wanted_ to endure it. 

The sound of something clattering to the ground and a cry of pain caught Sungjin’s attention. He walked towards the source of the sound with a racing heart. He felt giddy. Maybe this was it. This could be his chance to go back.

A couple of customers were surrounding Jae, who was clutching his bloody hand. It looked nasty, but nothing too serious. Sungjin couldn’t help but be a little disappointed. He flinched inwardly at the thought. It was disgusting. He was really that desperate that he had wished his friend had gotten hurt seriously enough to die. Then he would be able to kill himself without feeling guilty about leaving them behind.

“What did you do?” he asked with more venom in his voice than he intended.

Jae blinked at him. “I was trying to repair this stand and it just fell on me.”

“Let me see your arm.”

“Oh it’s fine, don’t worry,” Jae said dismissively. “The wound isn’t that deep.” He let out a gasp when Sungjin yanked his arm out of his torso.

“You should go clean it up,” Sungjin said as his nostrils flared in anger. He gestured at the mess on the floor. “I’ll take care of this.”  
  


“Hey do you want to go eat out?”

Younghyun hummed. “Yeah, sure.” He sounded really tired.

Wonpil didn’t even look up from his phone. He was probably too immersed in what he was doing and hadn’t heard him.

“I’ll go get ready,” Younghyun said as he stood up and yawned while he stretched his arms.

Sungjin waved a hand between Wonpil’s face and his phone. “Hey, did you hear me?”

Wonpil sighed. He stood up and left for his bedroom.

Sungjin’s throat tightened. “Alright then,” he whispered.

The food didn’t taste very good despite being his favourite dish from the menu.

“Are we home already?” Sungjin mumbled.

“Yeah. You didn’t want to go to your parents’ house so… here we are,” Younghyun said.

“Why would I go to my parents’ house?” he asked and closed his eyes without waiting for a reply.

“Because we can’t stay here.”

“I’m sure we can.”

Younghyun sighed. “Sungjin, please,” he whispered. “I’m tired.”

“Me too,” Sungjin said with a yawn. “Go to sleep.”

** November 16th 2020 **

Jae   
Coming to pick the piano up at 4  
Be ready

Me    
Ok

** Today **

Me    
I’m bored  
Help me

Message not sent.

Sungjin huffed in frustration and dialled Jae’s number. A deafening beep sounded in his ears and a robotic voice said, “This number is unavailable.”

An uneasy feeling settled in his chest as he opened the door to Jae’s room, which was in front of his. It was a little empty and dusty. Jae never let his room get that dirty. Sungjin’s stomach dropped as he entered Wonpil’s room and found it in the same state. By the time he reached Dowoon’s room, his whole body was trembling and covered in sweat. The rooms were there, but the occupants were not. Sungjin burst into Younghyun’s room.

“Where are they?” he asked.

Younghyun jumped in surprise. He put his book on his bed and sat up. “What do you mean?”

“They were here yesterday.” Sungjin shifted on his feet impatiently. “Is it because of me? What did I do? I think I made them upset. Is that why they haven’t been talking to me lately?” He scratched the back of his head and started pacing around the room. “I need to- I need to fix it Younghyun. I should apologise to them. I’ll be back,” he said and stormed out of the house before Younghyun could stop him.

“Wait, where are you going?” Younghyun followed Sungjin out of the house. “Sungjin, wait! What are you talking about?”

He looked around. The road was completely empty. No one was walking around. Sungjin was nowhere to be seen.

He was at the park again.

It was supposed to be snowing, but it wasn’t.

He was standing in front of their house again.

Did he have his keys?

He knocked.

The door was opened only a second later.

“Where the hell did you go?” Younghyun asked. He grabbed his arm and shoved him inside the house.

“I…” Sungjin stared at Younghyun’s wide eyes, at the crease on his forehead, at the bags under his eyes. He tried so hard to remember, but every time his mind drew up a blank. “I don’t… really remember.” He dropped his head and slid to the ground, suddenly too exhausted to stand.

“Are you on something?” Younghyun’s hand didn’t move from his shoulders.

“I- No? I don’t think so.”

Younghyun hovered above him for a few seconds. “Uh- Right. Can you stand?”

Sungjin pulled himself up slowly, but his vision was suddenly overtaken by black dots and he found himself in a heap on the ground again. He needed to remember. He just needed to remember. He had remembered before, so why was he forgetting now?

When he opened his eyes again, he was in a hospital room. He could recognize those places from two miles away. It was sad, really, how he had become accustomed to being in the hospital.

“Younghyun? When did we get here?”

“Now. In a taxi.”

“In a taxi?”

“Yes. You almost beheaded me when I mentioned calling an ambulance.”

“Oh. Sorry about that.”

He fiddled with the white papery sheets over him that made his body itch. His hands looked really dry.

“I called your mom by the way,” Younghyun said after a few moments of silence.

Sungjin jerked up in his bed. “What?”

Younghyun gave him a confused look as he looked up from his phone. "She's-" 

“You had no right to call her.” His chest heaved up down as he pointed his finger at Younghyun. “What I choose to tell my parents is none of your business.”

“It becomes my business when you’re clearly not in a position to be making rational decisions.”

“I’m fine. I just need a good night’s sleep.”

His mom and sister burst into the room at that moment, breaking the ever more tense atmosphere between him and Younghyun.

“Sungjin,” she said, putting a gentle hand on his face. “I was so worried about you.” She paused to take in his figure clad in a hospital gown. “What happened to you?”

Sungjin shoved away his mother's hands. An ugly feeling took over him.

“Why don't you ask him?” He snapped, pointing towards Younghyun with his chin. “He seems to know more than I do.”

Younghyun’s face fell. He opened his mouth, ready to say something but Sungjin cut him off.

“Why are you even here?” He turned his head towards his mother. “I don’t _want_ you to be here. Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“I’m worried about you, Sungjin. I just want to help you.”

“Since when do you care?”

“I’ve always cared.”

Sungjin felt pressure build up behind his eyes. He swallowed audibly and blinked away his tears.

“Then why did you keep trying to take me away from them?” He bit his cheeks as he looked up into her eyes. “Why won’t you let me talk to dad? Where is he?”

His mother’s hand slipped from his arm as she exchanged a tearful look with his sister. Younghyun looked almost as white as his sheets.

“What? What is it?” Sungjin exhaled shakily. “Why won’t you let me see him? Why won’t you let me see _them_?”

No one moved. 

“I hate you,” he whispered. “I hate you so much!” He shouted, throwing his arms in the air. This time, he didn’t stop the tears.

And neither did his mother. She stood up abruptly and left the room with wobbly steps as a sob escaped her. His sister immediately followed her, only turning around when she reached the door.

“You know, you’re not the only one who’s hurting.”

Then she slammed the door. Sungjin’s whole frame rattled at the sound.

He wiped his tears until his face hurt. “Get out,” he said to Younghyun.

“Sungjin, please just listen to-”

“I said get out! Leave me alone!”

Younghyun took a look at Sungjin and decided to leave him alone for the moment. He needed some time to himself to calm down. When he stepped out of the room, Sungjin’s mother and sister were sitting on the chairs in the corridor. Mrs. Park had her head in her hands and she was sobbing like the world had ended.

“Are you- is she ok?” He asked Seolhyun, who tightened her arms around her mother and looked up at him with glossy eyes. “Nevermind. I’ll get you some water.”

“Please, stay with Sungjin.”

“He doesn’t want me in there,” he said before he walked towards the vending machine across the corridor.

His hands trembled as he took out some coins from his pocket. He dropped them as he tried to insert them in the vending machine, but he missed the slot and dropped them again. This was bad. This was very bad and he had no idea how to deal with it.

He picked up the various bottles from the compartment and headed towards the chairs.

They were in deep shit.

Sungjin was facing the window, with his face squashed in the pillow, when he heard the door open. A few careful footsteps came towards him. He sniffled, but he didn’t turn around. He didn’t have the energy to tell whoever it was to just leave him alone.

“Sungjin,” Younghyun said in a hushed voice, “are you awake?”

He hummed. Some footsteps, and then Younghyun’s legs appeared in front of him as he sat down on a chair in front of him.

“Do you want some juice?” Younghyun asked as he set down a bottle on the nightstand.

He shook his head. Then Younghyun’s hand caught his eyes and he sat up so abruptly he startled Younghyun.

“What happened to your hand?” He asked. A vaguely familiar nausea crept up his throat.

_Thump thump_

“Don’t you remember?" Younghyun asked carefully, giving him a look that held worry, grief, sadness.

Did he remember? Of course he did. How could he forget? Even though he tried to convince himself that the memories were fading, they were still as bright as day. They assaulted him ruthlessly during his sleepless nights, which were too many to count.

He still felt the grief that each loop carried with itself. But it was over. It was supposed to be over. Then why-

“Sungjin?”

“Yes, I do remember. But that was- that was supposed to be over. Like a dream. I went back and- and I tried to fix everything. Why is your hand still…” He trailed off, staring into space.

“What do you mean?” Younghyun asked with a deep furrow in his brows.

Sungjin took a deep breath. “I went back to our house. I remembered everything. I just missed them- I missed _us_ so much. It was snowing when I went there. I think it was the 22nd. I went to the park before that. Remember when a whole pile of snow fell on Jae?” He laughed stiffly. “Anyway, I went back home from there. It was really dark. I think they cut off the electricity. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. I just wanted them back. I left the house, but then I woke up in my room again and it was December 26th again. Somehow, the universe granted my wish. We were late for the show. Wonpil drove us there since I was too out of it. But I failed. Dowoon died again. We went to court and it took a few months but the whole thing started again. Jae died. It was so long after December that I thought nothing would happen, but- I- I really thought about it and it was so obvious! I had to die so the loop would reset itself. I jumped in front of a train and I woke up but Wonpil died this time. I did it again. I killed- I killed myself so I could go back but then things started getting out of control and every day was the same again. Car accident and all. Then I woke up again but I got a call from my mom… she said dad was dead… oh… I had… forgotten about that. Is it true? Is he really dead? I need to die again. I need to go back. Will you help me? I’ll save everyone this time. I promise.”

“You don’t- you don’t need to die.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you weren’t- that wasn’t-" He sighed. “None of that happened.”

“What are you talking about? Of course it all happened! I was there.”

“That night, when you went back to our house, you slipped and hit your head. You almost died of hypothermia.”

“No, I went back in time.”

“You were unconscious for three days.”

“I lived through three years.”

“You were dreaming.”

“I wasn’t. They’re alive. I just need to go back to save my dad.”

“Dowoon, Wonpil and Jae are dead. They’ve been dead for a year. You didn’t go back in time.”

“But I… what day is it?”

“January 2nd 2022.”

“So all of that-” He gestured in front of himself. “All of that was just a hallucination?”

He sucked in a breath.

“All of what I-”

His hands shifted over the sheets.

“All of all of everything I did-”

He looked up at Younghyun.

“What about my dad? Where is he?”

He broke their gaze and whispered, “He passed away three years ago.”

Sungjin started to shake his head. Slowly at first, then faster and faster, until it became indistinguishable from shivers. He was lying. He had to be lying. There was no way all of everything he went through was just a product of his imagination. So what if it wasn’t real? Everything he _felt_ was real to him. 

_He was sitting behind the counter of their shop. The calendar in front of him was showing September 2018. The door jingled as he ran his hands through his hair._

_“My dad passed away,” he mumbled just loud enough for Wonpil to hear him._

_“When- What?” Wonpil stammered and turned around from the customers._

_“My mom called this morning. She said he had a heart attack.”_ _  
_

_Was it weird that he was talking about it like he was reciting his grocery list?_ _  
_

_Wonpil walked towards him. “Why didn’t you tell us anything?” He sounded like a deflating balloon._

_“I…” Sungjin looked down. “I thought…”_

More memories shot him through the chest like bullets. 

The funeral where he didn’t cry. 

The bottle of emotions that was shattered two months later and he stayed home for two weeks trying to clean up his mess. 

He looked at Younghyun with tears in his eyes. “That’s not true. They can’t be dead.” He looked down at his trembling hands. “They can’t…”

“I’m sorry,” Younghyun whispered.

“But I remember going to our house! I lived there. With you.”

“We did live there for a few weeks. You wouldn’t go to your parents’ no matter how much we tried to convince you, so I stayed with you because we didn’t want to leave you alone.”

“No- I- What about when I went to work. That was real, right?” Sungjin shuddered and wiped his tears. “It has to be real.”

“You- Sungjin…” Younghyun cleared his throat. “The shop has been closed ever since the accident.”

Sungjin’s shoulders slumped as he raised his arms in the air. “What am I going to do?” he looked at Younghyun and whispered in a choked voice., “Tell me, what am I supposed to do?”

Younghyun stood up and walked the distance between them before gathering Sungjin in his arms. He didn’t resist.

“We’ll help you figure that out.”

A tear cascaded down Sungjin’s face. Then two, and five, and eight until he was sobbing into Younghyun’s chest trying to catch his breath. His world had literally crashed down into him, obliterating any shred of hope he’d had.

His father was dead. How could he forget that? He was the man who had raised him with so much love and yet Sungjin couldn’t even remember the last time they had talked?

Jae was dead.

Wonpil was dead.

Dowoon was dead.

And Sungjin struggled to distinguish between his tears and the rain that was pouring down on his face. Sungjin, the rational one in every group, had lived through three years in his own mind through the span of three days. He had failed to save everyone. Or he hadn’t, since none of it was real.

“So your hand…” Sungjin said when his sobs had died down to silent tears.

Younghyun pulled away and looked at him with radiant eyes. “I can manage,” he said with a smile.

“Don’t you blame me?”

“Why would I blame you?”

“I do,” he whispered. He didn’t trust his voice to be any louder. “I still do.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I was the one driving.”

“Yes, carefully and properly.”

Sungjin didn't say anything.

“Do you want me to get your mom?”

He nodded. A few seconds later, he was wrapped in his mother’s arms. She was so warm and smelled so familiar, like home. He didn’t know how much he’d missed her until that moment. It brought on a fresh wave of tears.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he said as he hugged her as tight as he could. “I missed you so much. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said as she gently stroked his back. “I’m sorry too. But it’s going to be okay.”

“Mom, will you help me?"

“Of course I will."

  
  


They discussed treatment options, from therapy sessions to medication. He listened, but some of it went over his head. 

He just wanted to feel fine again.

Sometimes he couldn’t distinguish between what was real and what wasn’t, between what had really happened and what was just a product of his imagination. He didn’t like to talk about it.

It was his wedding day.

Wonpil would be giving an eloquent speech while holding back his tears if he were still there.

It was the day his first daughter was born.

His dad would be looking at her with so much joy in his eyes that if Sungjin didn’t know any better, he would probably think that it was his first time seeing a newborn baby. If he was still alive.

It was the day his mother passed away.

It was the day his nephew graduated university.

It was the day he heard one of Younghyun’s songs on the radio.

It was the anniversary of his father’s death.

It was the anniversary of the accident.

He never really did forget. The pain was still excruciating, but he had learned how to deal with it and heal himself, whether it be by looking at his children discover a new bug and show it to him excitedly, or by burying himself in work, or by calling Younghyun and talking for hours and hours. It was all a reminder that _he_ was still alive and he had things he wanted to continue staying alive for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(((((( i really did that :((((  
> btw yesterday i discovered a maggot infestation in one of our trash cans and it was so! gross! thankfully we managed to clean everything out (my mom dealt with it like a champ) but i felt nauseous for hours even though we thouroughly scrubbed everything with bleach... i took a shower afterwards but still eghgh it was disgusting  
> ugh i want to visit my friends and family who live in other cities so bad but the travel ban hasn't been lifted yet :( idk at least we have videocalls and chats


	5. Epilogue: We Are Alright

“What’s this?” Haeun asked her grandmother, pointing at the bulky and noisy thing she was balancing on her legs. She never thought she’d see one in her long nine years of life.

“It’s my grandfather’s old laptop,” she said. “He gave it to me before he passed away many years ago.”

“Really?” Haeun climbed onto the couch, next to her grandmother. “Is it like one of those laptops we studied at school in technology history?”

“It is.”

“Does it still work? Why did he give it to you?”   


“It does still work.” She smiled. “He recorded an audio diary on it. There are also pictures, documents, things from his life mostly.”

Haeun’s eyes lit up. “Can we listen to the diary? And look at the pictures?”

Without waiting for an answer, Haeun clicked on a random file.

“Wait, not that-”

  
  


“Today is July 19 th 2092.”

  
  


“I know my time is coming. I would say I have lived through everything, but my life was nothing but a fraction of all the possibilities this world has to offer- good or bad.”

“If I could go back, there are so many things that I would do differently. Some days, a voice in my head tells me, 'Just one more time, back to those days.'

Those days where I still had high hopes and dreams despite everything. But when I look back carefully, I don't want to change anything. Every little thing that happened to me has shaped me into the person I am today. Without those experiences and memories, I simply wouldn't be me. I wouldn't have made the same impact -however small- on the world.”

“I remember that December before my sixtieth birthday. I went to visit my father. He was the same age when he died. Then I visited them, without Younghyun this time because he was busy with something about producing some year end hit song.”

“I remember telling them that I had lived for more than half a century, but they would always remain in their twenties, young and wild for everyone to remember. They never got to live their life to the fullest. Neither did I, I think sometimes, despite having lived for more than all of their ages combined. When I look at the world I built around myself, though, I know I did my best and gave the best parts of me for this world to hold onto. My family, my friends, my job, they’re all my pride. They are my life. They are the anchor I held onto in my darkest times.”

“But time has passed. My youth is gone. Anything and anyone left of it is now long gone. It is also time for me to go. Not to be reunited with what I miss so dearly, but to celebrate that I never gave up despite missing it so dearly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm lowkey sad that this has ended already :( but life calls for my 8 wips to be finished,, probably,,,  
> initially, the epilogue wasn't part of the plan, but i needed a fifth chapter to complete the chapter title's arc (listen its was IMPORTANT)  
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it! and congratulations for making it to the end!


End file.
